I See You Through Grace

 

It's been two years. 

I don’t know if this is normal, but in the two years since you’ve been gone, I’ve come to understand you more.

Maybe it’s because I’ve changed. I see things differently now.

I look at your life, and I see the little girl who grew into a woman, a wife, a mother, a young widow, a grieving parent, a grandmother, and a child of God.

I see the trauma you walked through. The hardships. The suffering. The uncertainty. And I realize that in each season, you did what you believed was best.

You did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time. Isn’t that all any of us can do?

It wasn’t always perfect. Mistakes were made. But you kept showing up. 

I know I said this, in part, at the end of your life, and I hope you fully understood. I am grateful God has given me the ability to forgive and give grace in those spaces that hurt, or I just didn’t understand. 

I’m still learning from your life. Still growing, still softening, still understanding. And so in that way, you are still with me.

And now, with time and distance, I can say what I couldn’t before: I see you with grace. I carry less blame, less hurt, and more understanding. I hope you knew, even when I didn’t know how to show it, that I loved you.

Living at the Cross of Jesus

I want to awaken each morning and fall at the cross of Jesus. At the cross is the only place that I can remember what a great sinner I am and what a great Savior I have. To begin each day at the cross is where truly humility is evidenced by Jesus coming down to earth in the form of man so that He could take my sins upon Himself and pay the penalty of death that should be mine to pay.

The cross is a beautiful picture of humility, suffering and grace. I want to embrace it anew each morning so that I will be reminded of the gospel, what it means, what it cost and that I need to walk in it. But I don’t want to stay there, I want to then look to the empty tomb where there is grace.

You see, if I begin each day at the cross how can I possibly think more highly of myself than I ought? How can I not be humbled? But even more so, how can I not walk in a humble gracefulness that then preaches the gospel to myself and to others?

The truth is though, I will fail every single day. I will sin against God and against others. My pride, selfishness, insecurities, fear and so many other sins of my flesh will cause hurt toward God and others. But if I am living at the foot of the cross, remembering I am a sinner and then looking to the empty tomb and beyond to the One who already paid the price, I will walk in grace and not shame.

And this is where I want to live. I want to live at the cross so that I might look beyond it toward the resurrection and walk in the freedom of grace.

If I live preaching the gospel to myself on a daily basis then when I sin against others and God I will seek forgiveness. I will remember when others hurt me that I need to freely forgive them whether they ask for it or not. By living at the cross I will remember to walk in grace.

Oh Jesus, I do not want to ever forget of my great sinfulness. My sins before you are great and I deserve hell. I deserve to be separated from you eternally. There is nothing in me that I can do or say to make myself righteous in Your eyes. Not one thing. So I come before you and cry out for mercy, forgiveness and grace which is so freely given to me. Thank you Jesus. Thank you. Amen.

Called to Forgive, Again!

Have you ever had one of those moments when you think you are over something, it's in the past, been forgiven and healing has come and then wham out of no where someone hits you with a baseball bat? That was my week. From out of no where someone hit me. I was completely unprepared. I am not sure why I was so stunned.

My past was filled with hurtful words and actions from this person. Some might say that I should have expected it. But the thing is I didn't expect it because healing in the relationship had come. I had forgiven and for a couple of years we've experienced a new relationship. We had reached a place of common ground, of walking in grace and forgiveness. Or so I thought.

Her words cut deep. They hurt, and as I took my hand and rubbed over the once healed scar expecting it to be open and bleeding again I found it was still healed. The wound was healed, but the feeling of the scar caused a deep ache within. I wanted this to be over. I didn't want to be reminded again of the past betrayals. The past hurt. To be honest, this hurt knocked me to the ground. For almost 2 days I sat there stunned trying to figure out why now. Why did I give her the power to hurt again? 

We all have those times don't we? Times we know healing has come or that we have moved past a hurt and yet find ourselves knocked to the ground. It's in that moment, with face to the ground, that we have a choice. 

A choice. What will I do now? Will I continue laying there on the ground wallowing in self pity and hurt? Or will I allow Jesus to pick me up? One thing I know for sure is that it has to be Jesus picking me up because left on my own I would sit and nurse those old wounds. I would feel sorry for myself. My flesh is often so weak and I want to hurt them back. I want revenge. But I know truth. I know what Jesus says about forgiveness. I know what He says about loving my enemies and those who hurt me. So I give it to Him. I offer up the hurt and ask Him to help me up. 

Looking at Jesus causes us to look at what HE has done not what has been done to us. When I look at Jesus I remember that I too am a sinner. I have hurt others with my words and by my actions. I have failed. I have fallen short. But He, Jesus, has forgiven me. His blood was shed so that I might walk in freedom of my sin. 

When I look at the cross of Jesus and see my sin that nailed Him there and the forgiveness that was given how can I not forgive again? How can I not offer forgiveness to this person again when ALL my sins have been forgiven? 

When I look at Jesus I can forgive again and continuing walking with love for my enemies and those who hurt me. 

Then Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven. Matt 18:21-22

When Your Spouse Feels Like an Enemy

Recently, someone jokingly asked, “Who is our spouse? Is he or she our neighbor, enemy, or brethren? Is there a different love reserved for our spouse?”

I have been thinking about that quite a bit since.

I mean, I pray your spouse is not your enemy, but what if, at times, you feel like they are? Regardless, Scripture is pretty clear on how we are to treat one another. However, if you do feel as if your spouse is your enemy, how are you to treat them? Do you still have to love them?

In Luke 10:30–37, Jesus tells of a man who is beaten and robbed. Who is the one who helps him? The one least likely to help—his enemy. In fact, the Samaritan goes out of his way to help and provides for his well-being. Jesus then asks which of these was a true neighbor. Of course, it was the Samaritan, and we are to do the same.

In Matthew 5:43–44, Jesus tells us that we are to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. Luke 6:27–28 goes even further when it says that we are to “do good to those who hate you” and “bless those who curse you.” Again, we are told to pray for those who mistreat us. If they do mistreat you or hurt you, you are to forgive (Matthew 6).

If your spouse feels like your enemy, you are called to forgive, bless them, pray for them, and love them.

Our spouses are included in the “love your neighbors” and “love the brethren.” So many times, as we study these verses, we forget that they need to be applied to them.

Just how are we to treat one another (including our spouse)?

We are to love as Christ loves (John 13:34). We are to be devoted to one another in love, giving preference to one another. Be of the same mind toward one another (Romans 12:10–16). In other words, we are to give preference to their needs over our own. And how did Christ love us? He gave His life.

We are to encourage one another and build one another up, not tear each other down. Our words should be words of love, not destruction (1 Thessalonians 5:11). We are to share our burdens (Galatians 6:2).

And of course, there is 1 Corinthians 13, where we are told that love is patient, kind, not jealous, and does not brag and is not arrogant. Love does not act unbecomingly or seek its own desires. It is not easily provoked and keeps no record of wrongdoing. Love does not rejoice when the other is hurt. Love bears, believes, hopes, and endures all things.

So does it matter that, on any given day, it could feel as if your spouse is your enemy, neighbor, friend, or lover? No. We are still called to love them. If they are not your brother or sister in Christ, you are still to love them as Christ loves. If your spouse seems like your enemy, Scripture is clear—you are to love them.

Too often, it’s easy to forget to apply the “do unto others” to our spouse, but real love will treat them better than you treat yourself.

I don’t know about you, but there are times this proves quite difficult. In my flesh, it’s impossible. So it is then that we must make an intentional choice to love our spouse as Christ would want us to. We must go to God and pray for the help of the Spirit to give us the desire and obedience to love—not just our spouse, but all the “others” as well.

What about you? Do you struggle to love your spouse as Christ commands? Do you treat your spouse like an enemy? Why not spend some time praying before God, asking Him to show you those areas where you might be able to show more Christlike love? Maybe there are areas where you need to seek forgiveness—from God and your spouse.

Dear Sisters, Let Us Love

“This is my command: Love each other.” John 15:17 “Be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love.” Eph 4:2 NLT

I don’t know why you have been surprised by the harshness of life, no one said it would be easy. People will be mean, they will ignore you, say hurtful things about you. There will be those who seem to not care, they go about their life in seemingly selfish behavior. They will judge you unjustly on outward appearances and things they don’t see or understand.You will experience times of loneliness and pain. You will face death, sickness and heartbreak.

No one lives long without these things. No. One. “Dear friends, don't be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you. 1 Peter 4:12 NLT

Dear sister, you must also recognize those moments that you have caused the hurt in the life of another. You have judged unjustly and caused heartache. You have ignored one who needed a friendly smile. You too have said hurtful things. You have been selfish. You have made the choice to not befriend one who needed it. You have chosen to try to withdraw and hide from life. You have decided to hold people at arms length.

Yes today is a day of sorrowful reflection. A day that reminds me I have failed my sisters. I have hurt and been hurt. I have been judged and I have judged. The thing is, we all have failed one another. We have failed as yet another wife, mother and sister falls into depression, and despair. She is ready to give up on her community, herself and life. She feels alone.

We are all guilty. Not one of us can claim that we have not been selfish. We have ignored those in need of a friend. We all do or say things that cause heartbreak. We are all guilty of not being the hands and feet of Jesus to all within our community regardless of race, social, marital, or economical status.

It is time for confession. Time for forgiveness. It is time to stop hurting and start reconciling. Let us embrace one another with the love of Jesus Christ. Let us reach out to a sister who needs to know someone cares. If we can’t be the hands and feet of Jesus to those within our church walls how will we ever reach those outside the walls?

“Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor” Romans 12:10

“Let us not become conceited, or irritate one another, or be jealous of one another.” Gal 5:26NLT

Oh Father help me to see the hurt and pain of those around me. Help me to be Your hands and feet. Help me to see with Your eyes and hear with Your heart. Forgive me for my pity excuses to not reach out and serve those who need a simple hug or smile. I want Your Spirit to be alive in me working, and doing the will of the Father. Help me to reach across racial and social division to those who need a friend. Help me to get out of my comfort zone and reach out to those who are different then me. Help me be like Jesus. Amen.

Fight for Community

Today I had a conversation with a friend. My heart hasn’t been right, it was hurt. Our relationship  had been affected. I had let insecurities and other people speak their own insecurities and lies into my heart.  For weeks I had allowed the hurt to fester and grow. I was dangerously close to allowing the hurt pour out to others in anger and criticism. I was close to writing him off and being “done”.

But God loves His people. He doesn’t not want His children fighting against one another so He convicted my heart. His Spirit convicted me to the point that I had to make things right. I had to talk to my friend. I needed to share my insecurities, the lies I had believed and the things I had began to listen to from others.

To be honest this was not easy. It was very difficult. I was fearful of how he might react. I didn’t want to hurt him, but most of all I hated the thought of his disappointment. But his response was graceful. There was no condemnation or judgment. He listened as I shared my hurt, and my frustration.

He then walked me through three things. He helped me remember…

What he has done in the past. He reminded me of circumstances, and life decisions that spoke of his character. He reminded me of his consistency in his choices and the living out of his life.

His heart. He shared his heart with me. First he shared with me what I already knew about his heart, then he shared the things God was showing him.

Who our enemy is. He reminded me that we fight the same enemy and that enemy would do anything to stop the work that is being done in God’s kingdom. He reminded me that our enemy loves nothing more than to create friction and undercurrents in order to divide the body of Christ. He doesn’t want God’s people getting along.

There are parts of me that could go to the place I so often go and that is shame. I could beat myself up inside for forgetting who I know my friend to be. I have known him for a long time. We have worked along side together in ministry. Our families have broken the bread of fellowship together. I should know better. I could allow shame to cause me to withdraw, but I will choose to rejoice that Christ’s love won and the enemy was defeated in this battle.

As I have thought about this today it became very clear how easy it is for all of us to do this with our relationships (and with God). We let little things grow into big things. We do not confront and we forget.

So going forward I choose to do better.

I choose to go to my friend (or to God) immediately when I have doubts. No matter how small or petty I may think my insecurities or doubts are I will value relationship over looking foolish.

I choose to always remember who I know them to be. I will always choose to believe they want God’s best for me and would never harm me on purpose.

I choose to remember that our enemy seeks to destroy all healthy, godly relationships among God’s children.

I choose to believe that my friends, just like God, we always respond in grace and love not matter how silly my insecurities are.

Let us all remember to guard our relationship with our brothers and sister in Christ. Let us remember that we all fight the same battle…the same enemy.

What about you? Are you willing to go to your friend, your brother or sister in Christ, your pastor, Bible study leader or church leadership and fight for community. Are you willing to humble yourself and die to pride so that the body of God will be guarded? Will you, at all cost, protect the community of Christ against an enemy that seeks to destroy?

Who do you need to talk to today?

Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves ;  do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.  Phil 2:1-4

So then we pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another. Romans 14:19

The Truth About Forgiveness

Forgiveness can mean that you must forgive again and again.

Recently I’ve had several hurtful things come up to surface again. They were hurtful experiences of betrayal by those that were thought to be on my side. Those that I considered friends. The wound was deep and I must admit caused me to withdraw from relationships once again. My response in the past has always been to withdraw, build the walls higher, thicker and resolve within to never let hurt come again.

This time God wouldn’t let me build my walls. God worked on tearing them down. It took a while. He was patiently faithful in helping me see the need to forgive. To forgive not just in this but in past betrayals, past hurts that have caused me to prefer isolation over community.

As I said, He is faithful and forgiveness came. With forgiveness came glorious freedom and healing.

So now as I face this emotion once again, remembering the past betrayal and hurt, I am faced with a choice. Do I allow the enemy to use it, making me angry again and feel the hurt all over? Oh my flesh wants to cry, kick and scream! I want to go back and make this right! I was wronged and there was no apology, no setting the record straight! The emotions and hurt threatened to rise up! In this moment if I would listen to my flesh (my enemy) I would sin.

But I  choose to forgive. Again and again.

Just so you understand, I am not speaking of one who hurt me again but of allowing the memory of a hurtful experience hurt me again. Both would require the same response. That response would be to forgive.

 I use to believe that if a hurtful memory came up again and again it meant that I didn’t really forgive the first time. I no longer believe that, for I understand that often my enemy will take those opportunities to tempt me to sin. He reminds us of a hurt, holds it over our hearts and wants us to become resentful, angry or bitter. We must choose to forgive again and remind our enemy and ourselves that we've chosen the path of forgiveness.

So when those times of painful memories arise thank our Father for the opportunity to forgive once again.

See Matthew  11:25; 18:21-35

I Can’t Forgive Them!

“You don’t understand what they’ve done to hurt me!”

“They keep hurting me, over and over!”

“They aren’t remorseful for what they have done!”

“How do you forgive someone who will not admit what they did to you?”

I have heard these and more from many I have spoken to. Their hurt is deep. They feel broken inside. They have been left with scars that seem to never heal.

Their pain comes from what others have done.

I have been here. I understand.

I would try over and over to forgive as an act of obedience to the God I loved. I would remind myself that HE forgave MY sins AGAINST Him. Horrible sins of murder (Matt 5:21-22), idolatry, adultery and list goes on and on…

But still I could not forgive. I could not forgive to the point that I could look at those who hurt me and LOVE them. I could not get to the point that I could PRAY for them. (Matt 5:39-45)

Until…

I prayed that God would allow me to see them. I prayed  that that God would allow me to see the heart of those who hurt, offended, beat and abused me as He sees them.

Something happened unexpected as I prayed, God began to show me my own heart instead. You see I was a wretched sinner, but God looked down on me with mercy and love. And with a marvelous grace, I will never understand, He sent His Son to die so that MY sins could be forgiven.

I did not ask Him to. I did not, do not, will never deserve His Grace.  And yet He gives it to me freely.

I began to ask “How am I different than those who have sinned against me? Jesus died for their sin too. They, like me, are sinners in need of a Savoir.” They are no different than me. Not really. We are both sinners. We both have wronged another. Our actions and words have wounded and hurt others.

God allowed and continue to allow me to see my enemies and those who have sinned against me through the eyes of the cross. At the cross I am on level ground with those who have sinned against me.

At the cross Jesus took upon Himself the sin of mankind. MY sin and THEIR sin.

When I look at those who have hurt me through the cross I can forgive them. I can love them. I can pray for them.

To say they don’t deserve God’s forgiveness, mercy or grace is to say the same of me. It also says that I do not fully understand the GRACE that God gives to me.

I know it’s not easy, in fact humanly speaking it’s impossible. I must remember that it’s a process of letting go of the hurt and giving it over to God. I must remind myself that He has forgiven me of SO much, how can I not forgive them?

We can only truly forgive when we allow the pain and the hurt to take us to the cross where we can, once again, gaze at the sacrifice of Christ. It’s at the cross that we must preach the gospel to ourselves everyday and then we will find it easier to forgive as Christ has forgiven you.

A Dirty Bride

The day grew near. His heart waited in anticipation.

Her heart longed for love. To be accepted, wanted, desired. She was so tired of being a throw away, feeling as if no one wanted her. The thought of anyone ever really loving her seemed beyond anything she imagined. Those who seemed to love always wanted something from her. If she loved, they would leave her.

Love never stay. And yet she dreamed of love. She longed for it. She even dreamed of that day when she would be a bride. Her heart grew with excitement as she thought of the day she would belong to someone. Oh to be truly loved by someone!

She wanted that perfect one who would make her feel whole, to feel loved. She would go from relationship to relationship, but each time she would lose yet another part of herself. She just wanted to feel beautiful. Slowly the ache of loneliness grew. It grew until it almost enveloped her soul. No matter how far she ran, how hard she tried to hide it was always there. A growing darkness within her.

All the while the one who loved her kept waiting, longing for the day when she would be his.

As the ache grew to a depth that it felt it would destroy her she found herself standing in front of a little chapel. There was soft music playing. It was drawing her in. She walked through the door and began walking down the aisle. Her eyes were on the figure that stood at the end of the aisle. His eyes were on her.

Who was this man? Why was she so drawn to him?

In His eyes there was such love, and yet, there was something else. A sadness or pain she could not tell. As she got closer she saw tears running down his face. As she stood in front of him she sensed such great sadness. With tears in his eyes and a voice filled with such compassion, he said to her, “My bride, I have been waiting for you.”

She stood there, not at all understanding why he would call her his bride. He came to her and told her how he loved her. He loved her with an everlasting love and he had waited for her for so long. As she looked in his eyes she began to see her reflection, it was a reflection she was not familiar with. It was a reflection of beauty.

As she looked down on herself she saw that her wedding dress was dirty and worn. She saw the true state of who she knew she was. She was not prepared to be a bride. How could he want her?

She fell to her knees and began to sob. Her heart was broken. She was not prepared for the one who loved her. How she knew this was the one she did not know, but she knew that this love was real. A love that would make her feel whole and beautiful.

Was she too late?

Her entire body shook with sobs as she begged for forgiveness. She began telling him how bad she was and unworthy of his love. She couldn't be His because she had already give so much of herself to others.

She felt his gentle hand on her shoulder as he said in a gentle voice. “My beloved bride, do not cry. I know your heart. I see the one you will become. I see beyond all the dirt, pain and sorrow. I have already made the sacrifices for your sins that are needed so that you may be clean, pure, whole and worthy of the bridegroom.”

She did not fully understand, at least not yet. His love penetrated deep within her soul and heart. She saw in His eyes healing. As she looked away from Him she noticed that her dress had changed. Instead of being dirty and worn it now looked brand new. It was the most beautiful dress she had seen. It was spotless, it was whiter than snow.

He took her face into His hands and said, “now dear one, go prepare for the day when you will be my bride for all eternity. Go tell everyone what your bridegroom has done.”

 

 

 

Sinning Against My Husband

Last week God allowed me to see that I have been responding to my husband in a way that doesn’t always show love or respect. I was reminded of a blog post I wrote last year about respect. At the end I had asked several questions. One being, “What about my attitude when speaking with him? Does my voice tones also show respect?”

My heart was grieved. I looked at my husband who I dearly love and felt such sorrow. A sorrow that leads to repentance. (2 Cor 7:10) He does not deserve my snarky attitude. He doesn’t deserve my bad day (or week). I mean it’s one thing to tell him I’m having a bad day, or feel bad. It’s something entirely different to take it out on him.

Tears of compassion welled up in my eyes. As I looked at him I began to really see him. Not just as my husband but also as a man who loves God. As a man who is my covenant partner, friend and brother in Christ. A man who has devoted his life to me, to provide for our family and raise our boys. A man who works very hard so that I can stay home. 

This man I married has not been prefect. But, he has always loved me. Always. Even in my moments of a disrespectful, awful, snarky attitude. He honors me, lifts me up and continues to love me. Do you know that there is hardly a day that goes by that he doesn’t tell me I am beautiful and he loves me? So how could I possibly be mean with a man like this?

It’s easy. I am a daughter of Eve. I have a sinful nature that wants to rise up and have my own way. I want to be in control. I want what I want when I want it!! No, it’s not pretty. In fact it’s rather ugly. It’s times like this that I really understand Paul in Rom 7:18 “For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not.”

At times I suppose it would be easy to just stop there and say “Oh well, it’s my sinful flesh, God’s working on it, so deal with it!” It grieves me when I here that excuse or attitude. Whether I hear it in my mind or hear it out of the mouth of believers.

My husband shouldn’t have to deal with it. Not because he loves me or is good to me. And not just because I shouldn’t treat him that way. He doesn’t have to deal with it because Jesus already dealt with it.

It’s times like this that I must return to the cross. I have sinned against my husband. I have sinned against God. So my snarky little attitude needs to take time to go back to the cross and preach the gospel!

What I mean by that is I need to remember that I am a sinner. I need a Savior. And at the cross “Christ died for our [my] sins according to the Scriptures, and that He was buried, and that He was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures, (1 Cor 15:2b-3)

At the cross Christ conquered death. He paid for my sin. I no longer am a slave to my flesh. Christ Jesus is living in me through His Spirit. Therefore, I no longer have to live according to what my flesh desires. Because of His righteousness I am able to live in righteousness, (with a right attitude). (Roman 8:10-20)

Don’t you see? I do not have to be disrespectful attitude toward my husband. When I am feeling bad, with a wrong attitude, I can go to the cross BEFORE I behave in an unbecoming way. I do not have to live in bondage to my flesh any longer. It doesn’t have to rule over me. I have been set free. (Rom 8:2)

So my snarky little self spent time at the foot of Jesus so that I could have my attitude adjusted! And you know what? It felt really good, and freeing as I allowed His Spirit to minister to my spirit with grace, mercy and love.

 

Note: If any husbands are reading this please know that the same truth can be applied to you toward your wife!

 

Today I am joining….

    

 

 

*Photo of couple fighting By David Castillo Dominici,Stock Photo - image ID: 100122416

To My Mother

It’s been quite some time since I’ve posted in my series “The Women I Come From” . There are so many women I have yet to take the time to write about but lately my heart has been thinking of my Mother.

When I started this series I gave mention of her when I said, “ Before I begin this journey though I do need to honor my Mother. The one who gave me life. The woman who took care of me, fed me and made sure I was warm at night. She showed me that women can be strong. They can survive, even under difficult circumstances.  She taught me to endure. These things I do not take for granted. I know she loves me. I love her. I thank her. I am forever grateful for the mother God gave me. If it weren't for her there would be pieces missing. Pieces that would have left holes in the tapestry of my life.”
I went on the explain that this series was about the women God brought into my life to teach me those things my mother didn’t or couldn’t. They are the women that helped mold me, lead me and to help me see Jesus.

On this blog I haven’t talked much about my mother, although you can find bits and pieces here, here and here. One reason I don’t talk about her much is that it’s been complicated and I wanted to honor her, to show her respect and love her. My words would have been harsh and filled with a lack of compassion. So I choose not to share openly about her. I choose to stay silent until I could speak with grace and forgiveness.

That day has come. I noticed my attitude change last August during a visit with her in Florida. She had come to stay with us for a couple days while we were on vacation. It was a good visit. When I drove her home and had to say goodbye my heart was overcome with great compassion for her. I hated that I had to leave her there, alone. As I drove back to our hotel tears came pouring down for my mother. Not tears of pain or regret but tears filled with love, grace and compassion. Tears that come from a heart that had finally forgiven.

I got off the phone with her yesterday and realized just how much I do love her. I love the woman she is and the woman she is becoming. I see God at work in her and I see her walking in freedom from the past. And I realized just how much a part of her is a part of me. Our journeys have been similar, our deep pain and fears shared.

Today I see a woman, a mother, that loves me with all her heart. I understand that at times I have been very unfair in my judgments of past events. A child’s eye sees life and interprets it through a mind that lacks understanding. A child only sees parts of the story. For this I ask her forgiveness. I have been hard, too hard, on my mother and for that I am deeply sorry.

The mother I see today is a mother who is filled with love, grace and beauty. She is filled with His Spirit. It’s beautiful. She is beautiful. I love her deeply and accept embrace the woman she is.
This is the woman I come from, the mother that has given so much of her life for her children even during those moments when trying to live was hard.

Momma I love you!

Note: After sharing this with you I called my mother to read it to her. Through tears she let me know how much she needed this right at that moment. She said to me that I had nothing to be sorry for it was her that needed forgiveness. If we had been together we probably would have hugged and cried together…it was a healing moment for both of us. It was a God moment.

Jehovah-Rapha -The Lord That Heals

  Rapha (râpâ') means "to restore", "to heal" or "to make healthful" in Hebrew. When the two words are combined…Jehovah Rapha…it can be translated as "Jehovah Who Heals." (cf. Jer 30:17; Jer 3:22; Isa 30:26; Isa 61:1; Psa 103:3).¹

The first time I became aware of the full meaning of my Healer God was while doing a Bible Study by Kay Arthur called Lord, Heal My Hurts. It was completely life changing. I learned things I didn’t know about God as Healer.

Seeing God as Healer of sickness or other physical illnesses was never an issue. I always knew that God alone is the source of ALL healing. God can and does heal through miracles and through human (medical) methods.

But what I didn’t know, what I didn’t fully understand is that He also heals us spiritually and emotionally.

David cries out to God in Ps 41:4 “O Jehovah, be gracious to me. Heal (rapha) my soul, for I have sinned against You."  David is speaking of at SPIRITUAL healing.

And one of my favorites is Ps 147:3 where we see Jehovah Rapha who "heals the brokenhearted & binds up their wounds." referring to EMOTIONAL healing. Both Jeremiah and Hosea also speak of “rapha” in reference to spiritual healing of apostate Israel and Judah.

So what did all this mean to me? I learned that Jehovah Rapha can heal completely. He heals us physically, emotionally and spiritually. Not only does He heal, He restores. You see until this deeper understanding I had been walking around thinking that if my emotions were like an arm and had been cut off God would heal them but I would still walk around armless but at least I’d no longer be bleeding all over everyone. But God’s healing is so much more than that.

When I ask God for emotional healing He not only healed my emotions He gave me new emotions. You see, He doesn’t just heal the cut off arm He gives you a new one. He restores it! It’s like losing an arm. There may still be a scar where God joins your new arm (emotions) to your body, but you are WHOLE.
This knowledge was so freeing to me. I had asked God for healing and He began a work in my heart to deal with the pain and abuse of the past. Once He healed the anger and un-forgiveness He began to heal my emotions. I began to trust again. I could feel a real sense of hope and love. His love.

He didn’t just heal me, He restored me. Yes there are still scars, but scars no longer ooze and bleed out. They are closed and no longer have the ability to hurt or become infected. 

Scars are still visible. They do bring remembrance and they sometimes have “phantom pains”. Scars threaten, at times, to draw attention to themselves desiring to be remembered. They scream for the pain to be felt once again. The enemy will try to use scars against us. But I can choose to run to my Jehovah Rapha.

I run to the cross of Jesus and remember that my scars remind me of HIS scars. His scars have set me free. His scars have healed me physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Bottom line: Jehovah Rapha, the Great Physician heals physically, spiritually and emotionally. While we all desire physical healing we must remember that our greater need is for healing of relationships & our spiritual disease called sin. All around us we see the effects of a fallen world. We see men and women walking around in great pain due to sin.

They need healing. The healing power of our Jehovah Rapha, only He can heal in a fullness that sets us free. Only He can restore that which Has been destroyed by sin.
 
¹ BlueBible

When Promises Are Broken

Not one of all the LORD's good promises to the house of Israel failed; every one was fulfilled. Joshua 21:45

With tears freely flowing down her face she asked me one simple question. “Why do people break their promises?”

I stood there for some time thinking and praying before I tried to answer. The question seemed simple enough and the simple answer is “Man is sinful and is unable to keep all the promises he makes.” But she needed more, her heart had deeper questions. Too many times promises had been made and broken. With each broken promise another piece of her heart would also break. She feared that soon there would be nothing left.

I sat there wondering what I could tell her. Life had all too often shown me that promises are made to be broken. In fact I decided long ago that I wouldn’t believe in promises any longer. It was easier. Less painful. I’ve even tried not making promises because I don’t want to break them. I don’t want to have to disappoint someone when I can’t do what I said I would do.

I looked into her eyes and decided to just be honest. “People do make promises they can’t keep. In most cases I do not think they mean to. I don’t think that they make a promise with the intention to not follow through. It just happens. Life gets busy and they forget.”

Her tears continued to flow. My answer wasn’t enough. Her heart still breaking she asked, “but is it just me? Do people just not like me? Do they not want to be my friend? It just seems mean to make a promise and not keep it!”

She was still young and trying hard to wrap her mind around the deep hurt she felt with a promise broken once again.

“Oh God” I cried to myself, “give me the words!”

I sat there holding her. I truly did understand the hurt. How many times have friends or family said “I promise I will….” only to forget? How many times have I done the same? We try hard to not expect so much from those we love, but when they promise it is a bit harder.

The words began to form in my heart. I spoke them aloud. “I know it hurts. It seems unfair. It may feel that they do it on purpose, but we must choose to believe that they love us. We must choose to believe it’s not intentional. Regardless of how it feels at the moment we must choose to love them by offering grace and forgiveness. We must take the hurt and disappointment to the cross.”

God understands our hurt. He understands broken promises. Man makes promises to God all the time, they promise to follow Him, to do His will only to turn away and reject Him.

So instead of looking at man, who will disappoint us, we need to look to God. For "God is not a man, that He should lie, Nor a son of man, that He should repent; Has He said, and will He not do it? Or has He spoken, and will He not make it good?” Numbers 23:19

We need to run to our God who never makes a promise He does not keep. In fact Psalms 145:13 says “Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and your dominion endures through all generations. The LORD is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made.”

Psalms 91:4 tells us that “He will shield you with his wings. He will shelter you with his feathers. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.” and Psalms 138:2 says “I bow before your holy Temple as I worship. I will give thanks to your name for your unfailing love and faithfulness, because your promises are backed by all the honor of your name.”

So you can trust God to keep all His promises. He is with you and will give you what you need in those moments of hurt because man has broken his promise.”

Her tears had stopped flowing as the words I spoke began to reach her heart. He countenance began to soften. There was a long silence between us as she sat there allowing God to speak into her.

Then she said, “It just hurts so bad, when someone you love so dearly breaks a promise. But you are right, if I do love them I will give them grace. And I will give them grace upon grace for it is what God does to us when we hurt Him.”

No truer words were spoken! For one so young her understanding was very mature. I saw in her face an understanding that only comes from our Father.

If we do indeed love those that occasionally hurt us then our love will meet disappointment and broken promises with God’s grace each and every time. It will not always be easy, but it is a choice. It’s a choice we can make because not only do we love the one who hurt us but even more so because we love God and desire to be obedient to Him.

Something amazing happened as these words were shared. I found that my own heart needed to hear them. I needed to be reminded that it’s a fact that people will fail me. I will fail them. But at the cross of Jesus we all find love, grace, mercy and forgiveness. And when I choose to press into Him and not the hurt He promises to meet me in the midst of it all with more of Him. He will meet me with the comfort of His Spirit.

"Now I am about to go the way of all the earth. You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises the LORD your God gave you has failed. Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed. Joshua 23:14

 

Lost Passion

I sat there listening intently to our pastor bring forth truth from God’s word. It was a continuation of the week before. I was eager to hear more of how the Word of God works in our lives. In my life.

He asked a question. Do you love the word of God? Are you passionate about God’s word? Do you seek to uncover the treasures hidden within as if it were the purest of gold?

Yes, YES! My heart cried.

But since then I have heard God whisper ever so gently in my heart. “Do you really? Are you still passionate about being in my word like you once were?” The question haunted me. It cut deep within as it exposed truth. The truth of a lost passion.

I had not stopped being in the word. I was and am doing my daily readings as I go through in a year, but little beyond that. I’d pick up my Bible to study only to find myself distracted and seemingly without a purpose.

What was wrong? Was there sin? Am I just being lazy? Have I just lost my desire? But why would I loose desire for that which I loved so passionately before?

My heart was grieved. I looked to God for an answer. One of the first thoughts that came to my mind was, I am not in a Bible Study. I am not studying with other like-minded women. Studying the word together with others is such an encouragement. It keeps me accountable.

Studying deep, honestly, with vulnerability was what was missing. It has been a very long time since I have had that. That must be it. It had to be it. My spirit wouldn’t let it go. You see for some time now I have “whined” before God that there are no like-minded women to study with. Not that like to study the way I do. I’ve tried leading a study, but hardly anyone comes. So I get discouraged. I am discouraged.

I’m discouraged because I am looking at me. Somewhere along the line it became about me, AGAIN! It’s so frustrating to be here again. It’s not about me and what I think or want.  I KNOW THIS!!

It’s about what God wants to do in me and through me. It’s about God’s glory and how He chooses to reveal Himself to me. It is all about God. Why do I seem to need to learn this lesson over and over again?

I can not “blame” my loss of passion on the lack of having others studying with me. My lack of passion is due to a wrong attitude in my own heart. In my heart I had begun to slip back to old patterns of thinking. I desired intimacy with others instead of God. I want heart friends, sisters that would be there for me. I wanted it to be about meeting my needs.

In the beginning it sounded good since I wanted to do it through studying His word. But the lies of our idols can sound like truth and we begin to walk into their trap before we realize the danger we are in. It started out being about God and desiring to have other’s in my life that would walk with me, but it ended up being a desire to fulfill my feelings of discouragement, loneliness and being forgotten.

So here I am today, faced with a choice. Well that’s not really true, for there is only one choice and that is returning to my Jesus. I lost passion because I began to look to others instead of Him. I began to think in my mind that I needed more than just Him and His word. It’s not true. It’s not Jesus and ______, it’s Jesus. Period. Nothing more, nothing less.

You see what I had forgotten is that I need to go Jesus first. He wants me to run to Him and His word for all that my heart desires. Yes He wants us to be in community, but only after we’ve gone to Him.

When I am filled with Jesus and the truth of His word then…

• I have the right attitude in the midst of community.
• I come in order to serve and be “Jesus with skin on”.
• I do not look to be served and it’s not about me.
• I am better equipped to discern lies from truth.
• I am able to see the idols I am turning to instead of turning to God.

So what do I need to do today? Or as our Pastor asked at the end of his sermon “What do I need to apply immediately?”

It’s simple. First, I must pray. I need to confess. Confess that I have being running after other things instead of running to Him. I need to tell God the truth of my idols and wrong attitudes.

Second, I must choose to return to God and His promises. When I begin to turn to idols I have turned away from God and have begun the walk back to Egypt and slavery, just as the Israelites did in the Old Testament. I have chosen bondage over freedom. It needs to be a daily, moment by moment choice of turning my heart to God. My heart is so easily deceived. I must never think I can just run on auto pilot.

Third, I need to be diligent and on guard constantly. The enemy does not want to see God’s children enter into the fulfillment of God’s promises. He will deceive, lie and use words that seem like to truth to keep us from a passionate pursuit of God. The enemy is good at what he does, but those who are constantly before the face of God will not be so easily led back to Egypt.

Oh dear sisters, it’s a battle isn’t it? We can not let our guards down for even a second. Our enemy is just waiting to keep us from living a life lived in the freedom of God’s Spirit.

Today I began again. I will stop and do an about face. I will go to God’s word in obedience and know that He will meet me there. I will be patient, knowing that God does indeed have a plan for me, but for now I must seek Him whole heartedly.

My passion for His word will return as I return in obedience to the pursuing of His word.

I want to close using Psalm 119:169-176 as my prayer. As you read this take note exactly what the Psalmist is asking for. May our hearts desire the same as we seek Him with greater intimacy and passion.

“May my cry come before you, O LORD; give me understanding according to your word. May my supplication come before you; deliver me according to your promise. May my lips overflow with praise, for you teach me your decrees. May my tongue sing of your word, for all your commands are righteous.  May your hand be ready to help me, for I have chosen your precepts. I long for your salvation, O LORD, and your law is my delight. Let me live that I may praise you, and may your laws sustain me. I have strayed like a lost sheep. Seek your servant, for I have not forgotten your commands.”

 

It’s been awhile since I’ve linked up to the below but I know you will be blessed as you read what other’s are learning…

30 Days of Blessings: The Cross

Today I feel very bit of the words from Jeremiah 17:9 “the heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick, who can understand it?”

There are moments I can feel overwhelmed by the sinfulness that my flesh can desire. Sin and the flesh rises up strong demanding it’s own way. I cry out to God, it’s not who I want to be! I want to be a follower after YOUR heart, YOUR ways, Your truth.

Oh that which I desire I do not do! And that very thing I do not want to do is what I do!! O wretched woman that I am!! What possible hope is there? How can I even think I can change and be obedient to my God?

Thanks be to GOD who provided a way through Jesus Christ!! (Romans 7:19-25)

The cross. A thing of torment, pain and suffering becomes beautiful because my Jesus carried it and was nailed upon it for my sin. He died in my place, was raised in three day so that I might be resurrected with Him on the last day, living forever with Him.

And because of the cross …

Ephesians 2:1-6
Once you were dead, doomed forever because of your many sins. You used to live just like the rest of the world, full of sin, obeying Satan, the mighty prince of the power of the air. He is the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God. All of us used to live that way, following the passions and desires of our evil nature. We were born with an evil nature, and we were under God's anger just like everyone else. But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so very much, that even while we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God's special favor that you have been saved!) For he raised us from the dead along with Christ, and we are seated with him in the heavenly realms -- all because we are one with Christ Jesus. NLT

While I was unlovely and sick in my sinfulness God called me BELOVED!

Romans 9:25
As He says also in Hosea,
“I will call those who were not my people, ‘My people,’
and her who was not Beloved, ‘Beloved.’”
And then this song kept playing in my head.

Because of the cross God calls me beloved!

 

Once Again by Matt Redman
Jesus Christ, I think upon Your sacrifice
You became nothing
Poured out to death
Many times, I've wondered at your gift of life
I'm in that place once again
I'm in that place once again
And once again I look upon the cross where You died
I'm humbled by Your mercy and I'm broken inside
Once again I thank You,
Once again I pour out my life
Now You are exalted to the highest place
King of the Heavens, where one day I'll bow
But for now, I'll marvel at Your saving grace
I'm full of praise once again
Oh I'm full of praise once again
And once again I look upon the cross where You died
I'm humbled by Your mercy and I'm broken inside
Once again I thank You
Once again I pour out my life
Thank you for the cross
Thank you for the cross
Thank you for the cross, my friend
And once again I look upon the cross where You died
I'm humbled by Your mercy and I'm broken inside
Once again I thank You
Once again I pour out my life

Jesus I am humbled and broken and I thank you for bringing me to this place, again. You have shown me just how unlovely I was and am- apart from you. You have reminded me that even in that unlovely place, even though my heart is vile and wicked you came to earth to die for me. I am your BELOVED (agapao-to love, finding ones joy in.)

I AM YOUR BELOVED! Thank Jesus, thank your for the cross my friend.

I am a GREAT sinner
I have a GREAT SAVIOR

What a blessing!!

The Fruit is Evidence

Several months ago I had a conversation with a woman who said she didn’t like going to church with a bunch of hypocrites. “You know, the people who stand and pray on Sunday and cuss you out on Monday?”

We talked for quite some time about the truth of “Just because you attend church on Sunday doesn’t mean you are a Christian.” and “Just because you say you you are Christian doesn’t make you one.” I said, “In reality the church is filled with sinners and saved sinners.”

The reality is we all can appear to be hypocrites at times. It’s not that we desire to be, but the truth is we often say or act one way and then the next day behave the complete opposite. What we need to understand is that those who truly have a relationship with the Lord will see the hypocrisy in their life and confess it to God and ask forgiveness of others.

This led to the questions “What does it mean to be a true follower of God?  How will you know a Christ follower?”

So, how do we know? Jesus tells us in Matthew 7:16-20 “you will know them by their fruits...A good tree cannot produce bad fruit, nor can a bad tree produce good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.”

He goes on to say in verses 21-23 that not everyone who says “Lord, Lord!” will enter heaven. Only those who obey God will enter.

These scriptures, taken as written shows us clearly that a true follower of Christ will produce good fruit in obedience to the Father.

This does not mean anyone who is good and does good things will go to heaven. Being good does not make one a Christian. But the evidence of a relationship with Christ will show through your good works. In other words, if you say you are a follow of Christ (a Christian) yet still live as the world does disregarding the sin in your life then you might want to question yourself on whether you are a Christian or not.

I am not judging here. Scripture is very clear that a Christian will show evidence of a relationship with Christ by the way they live.

1 John 1: 5-7 say  “God is light and there is no darkness in him at all. So we are lying if we say we have fellowship with God but go on living in spiritual darkness. We are not living in the truth. But if we are living in the light of God's presence, just as Christ is, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from every sin.” (NLT)

I wanted to use the NLT version because it says it every plainly. But if you look at the bold sections in NASB  it says “If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light…”

When you look at the word walk in the Greek it means “to make one's way, progress towards, to live.” So we could say that if someone is living a life that progresses into sin then they do not practice truth. On the other hand if their life lived is progressing toward obedience and righteousness then they are practicing truth and the evidence of their life shows they truly are a Christ follower.

Living a continual life of sin and a believer in Christ does not go together. Yes Christians still sin. We disobey God. We are not perfect. John goes on to say in chapter 1:8-10 

“If we say we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and refusing to accept the truth. But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from every wrong.  If we claim we have not sinned, we are calling God a liar and showing that his word has no place in our hearts. (NLT)

So what are we to do? We admit our sins. We confess them before God and He will forgive us of our sins.

What we need to understand is the Christian has an Advocate in Christ. Jesus Christ came to earth as a sacrifice for our sins so that we might find peace with God. (1 John 2:1-2) Through Christ’s death on the cross we have forgiveness of sins. (John 3:16)

1 John 3: 7-10 say “Dear children, don't let anyone deceive you about this: When people do what is right, it is because they are righteous, even as Christ is righteous. But when people keep on sinning, it shows they belong to the Devil, who has been sinning since the beginning. But the Son of God came to destroy these works of the Devil.Those who have been born into God's family do not sin, because God's life is in them. So they can't keep on sinning, because they have been born of God. So now we can tell who are children of God and who are children of the Devil. Anyone who does not obey God's commands and does not love other Christians does not belong to God.” (NLT)

I don’t know about you, but to me, this is black and white. There is no grey. No way around it. If I continually live a life of sin, disregarding what God says, then I just might want to question if I am truly a believer. And if I know someone who claims the name of Christ yet shows no evidence of it and continues living a sinful lifestyle then I might want to change how I pray for them.

I need to pray that they see the sin in their life, their heart. I need to pray that God would draw them unto Himself. Just because someone prayed a prayer once in their life doesn’t mean they are saved and going to heaven. Scripture is clear, a true Christ follow will show evidence of a continuous growth toward holiness and righteousness. If there is NO evidence of good fruit then we should be praying for their salvation.

If ever an opportunity clearly comes before me to speak this truth into a particular heart?  I pray I am bold enough, that all believers are bold enough, to speak truth and say “you might want to take it before God and ask Him if you are truly saved. You might not be a Christian.”  2 Peter 1:10 says “…be all the more diligent to make certain about His calling and choosing you…) And Phil 2:12 reminds us to …”work out your salvation with fear and trembling…”

May I be ever diligent working out my salvation…confess my sins and continually live a life that abide (not to depart;to continue to be present) in Him.

“And this is what God has testified: He has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. So whoever has God's Son has life; whoever does not have his Son does not have life. I write this to you who believe in the Son of God, so that you may know you have eternal life.” 1 John 5: 11-13 (NLT)

For more in depth understanding about what it mean to be a Christ Follower why not study the Book of 1 John for yourself? Check these studies here, here or here.

 

Today I am linking up here…..

 

It Should Have Been Me…

He had no sin and yet took on my sin.

He took on my punishment - my death.

It should have been me on that cross.

 

But, it wouldn’t have been enough.

 My heart is wicked, my flesh sinful.

His heart is beautiful, pure, and spotless.

He is without sin.

 He is God incarnate.

Only He could save me.

His sinless, pure heart was needed.

He would take my wicked heart and give me a new heart.

A clean heart.

One that is pure, righteous and holy.

 

Now written on my heart are His ways.

His words.

His love!

He put His Spirit inside me!

His very Spirit, LIVING in side ME!

He makes my heart new.

I am no longer a slave to sin.

I gladly live as a slave, a bond servant, to righteousness.

His righteousness.

He who knew no sin became sin for me.

Now I live in righteousness

He sees me as righteous.

He see me without sin.

 

 Hallelujah!

(Jeremiah 17:9; 30:40; 31:33-34; Ezekiel 36:26; Romans 6:18; 2 Corinthians 3:3; 5:21)

Bolt Up the Dung!

Our Pastor is currently doing a series on Nehemiah. We have been looking at the various gates that are in need of repair and it’s been quite interesting.

For example the “Sheep Gate” represents our salvation. The “Fish Gate” is making disciples. The “Old Gate” represents the Ancient path’s of wisdom – the Word of God. The “Valley Gate” is the gate of pressure or the gate of trials.

Then we come to the Dung Gate. The Hebrew word for Dung is ashpoth which means ash heap, refuse heap, dung-hill. Basically it’s the gate used to take out trash in the city.

We read about the Dung Gate in Neh 3:14 where it says “The Dung Gate was repaired by Malkijah son of Recab, ruler of the district of Beth Hakkerem. He rebuilt it and put its doors and bolts and bars in place.” (NIV)

This is so fascinating! Don’t you just love to be in the Word of God? You may be thinking “why is she getting so excited about TRASH for goodness sake” but please allow me to share my overwhelming excitement!

You see when our walls are in pieces and our life crumbles around us then we must allow God to rebuild the wall. The rebuilding process begins with going back to the cross (Sheep Gate). Go back and kneel before the cross and remember the perfect Lamb of God that was sacrificed for your sins. Remember your salvation. You were redeemed by the blood of the Lamb.

Then go and share your salvation with others. (Fish Gate). Be in the Word of God. Hunger and thirst after the Word of God. (Old Gate)

Once you allow the word to speak to your heart, God will begin to squeeze you. Trials will come in order to reveal to you those places in your heart that need to be rid of. (Valley Gate)

When God, through trials, sorrow and pain, squeezes out the TRASH of our hearts we MUST then get rid of it. We can not just allow it to stay in our hearts to rot and begin to smell of death and decay.

It must be taken out through the Dung Gate. It must be thrown out of our hearts and our life. Then…

Oh this is so exciting! I just LOVED this picture God has given us in His word!!

Once we throw out the dung we must bolt the door shut. Nehemiah says that Malkijah rebuilt the gate and “put its doors and bolts and bars in place.” 

The gate had bolts and bars on it! But why? So that when God has squeezed the YUCK out of our hearts and the Dung has been thrown out we can lock the gate behind us.

It is finished. Forgiveness has been sought. Grace applied. We no longer need to feel the weight of the sin and shame.

But so often we do. Why? Could it be that as we allow God to squeeze the trash out of our hearts we leave the gate open to the Dung Gate. We leave it open for the stench and the filth to follow us.

It’s so important to shut the gate and bolt it closed. The Dung of our hearts is taken care of and the guilt and shame no longer needs to follow you.

Isn’t that cool? Once we have confessed our sin, asked for God’s forgiveness we can shut the door and bolt it locked and FOREVER be done with it.

Today I am joining….

A Grumpy Wife?

It is better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a contentious wife in a lovely home. (Proverbs 21:9) NLT

I read those words and thought “WOW!” it’s pretty bad if you’d rather live in the attic…alone!

Contentious. I don’t know if I had been contentious exactly. But grumpy, short tempered, easily argumentative? Maybe.

Several days ago the love of my life came to me and asked if anything was wrong. My response to him was “no”. (Meaning I don’t want to talk about it right now and just leave me alone.)

He looked at me for a few minutes before speaking. He was probably praying. Then He said, “you are just not yourself. You seem down and…”

I looked at him, smiled and finished for him, “On edge? Short tempered?” I really did smile when I said it…I knew…he didn’t HAVE to say it.

“Well, yes and I didn’t know if I had done something to upset you?”

Poor guy. I adore him. He is patient with me. He loves me. And honestly would do anything in his power to make me happy.

I assured him he hadn’t done a thing. I was just processing some emotional junk and I guess it was affecting me more than I thought. I then apologized for taking it out on him.

Mental Note: Next time maybe I need to warn him ahead of time if I am trying to struggle through issues or process.

Next time…Oh how I wish there wouldn’t be a next time. I want to have life all figured out. Now.  I want to never have to struggle with my emotions or trying to separate what I FEEL from what is REAL.

Why can’t I remember that just because I might FEEL a certain way doesn’t mean my feelings are right?

I hate when I allow my emotional mess to affect my husband. To effect my relationships.

I want to be a “fountain of blessing for him” (Prov 5:18)
I want to be his “joy and crown”  his “treasure”. (Prov 12:4; 18:22)
Proverbs 19:14 says “only the LORD can give an understanding wife”.

So I ask my husband to forgive me, again! Then I go to the LORD and ask Him to help me…

…to be a wife that does not snap out at the love of her life just because she’s having a bad day…or bad week.
…to be a wife that is a blessing.
…to be a wife that is his joy and crown.
…to be a wife that brings honor to her husband.

Father thank you for the gift of a man in my life that honors and cherishes me. Thank You for Your grace and mercy, Your faithfulness and love in my life. Help me be the helpmate you intended, one that shows respect and love toward her husband.