Finding My Father

Over the past few weeks, a memory from my nineteen-year-old self has begun to resurface in my mind, almost as if it were trying to tell me something. I can’t quite grasp why now; it has remained tucked away in my mind for years, perhaps forgotten entirely. I am sitting in a booth. Across from me sat a leader from a campus ministry I was involved in. I was nervous, afraid and unsure of what I was about to tell him.

I had requested this meeting because there was something heavy on my heart—a confession I desperately needed him to hear from my own lips rather than through the whispers of others. It was about a sin I had committed, one that would soon come to light, changing my life forever.

As I revealed my burden, he listened quietly for a few moments, a deep sadness reflected in his eyes. I braced myself for judgment, but instead, I encountered an overwhelming sense of empathy. His eyes conveyed genuine sorrow rather than condemnation. Finally he asked, "Sharon, I have noticed for some time that it seems you are searching for something. What is it that you are looking for?" 

That question echoed in my mind, haunting me long after our conversation had ended. I struggled to find a response; I was lost and without direction. All I knew was that, despite being a Christian for three years, there was an unsettling emptiness within me. I felt like a ship adrift at sea, longing for land but unsure of my destination. What I failed to recognize in that moment—and what I would later come to understand—was that I was missing my Father. His love and presence were the very things my heart craved, even if I didn’t yet know it.

Ten years passed before I would begin a journey that would finally answer that question. In that time I followed Jesus but largely ignored the Father. I read the New Testament, but I did my best to stay away from the Old Testament. This disregard for the Old Testament wasn’t always a conscious choice. Before I became a Christian, I had once said that I didn't need God as a Father; I neither needed nor wanted a Father. So when a friend told me about Jesus, it was easier for me to accept Him. It’s not that I didn't believe in God the Father; I was simply ambivalent toward Him.

God brought a woman in my life who would become a dear friend. We raised our families together, prayed and studied God's word together. It was in those times spent with her and doing Bible study she would begin to share with me her relationship with her Father God. 

Her relationship with The Father was tender, merciful and unlike anything I knew  I wanted what she had. I wanted to feel no hesitation in running to the Father with my hopes, dreams, and my shame. I wanted to walk into the throne room, bow before the Father and feel loved, not constant condemnation. 

Now, some 30 years later I am more confident. I can still struggle but what I know that was different then is who God says He is. You see, I viewed my Heavenly Father through the lens of poor and abusive father figures. I have very few memories of my actual father but the men who came after him were not good. So my view of what a father should be like tainted my view of God. 

When I realized, or better said, when God revealed my wrong view of who God is I began searching for truth. I wanted to know who He was and is. I have mostly found that in studying God’s character through the studying if His names. With each name I gained a greater depth of who He is. I began to realize that all those years ago I was searching for my Father, my good, kind and merciful Heavenly Father. The Father who loves me unconditionally and sent Jesus to die for me. What an amazing love the Father has for me.

One of the studies that helped me tremendously was Kay Arthur’s Lord, I Want to Know You.  It is a study of the names of God  

Weary Yet Pursuing

They are three little words, yet they were what was needed to encourage my heart today. The words were from Judges 8:4 which says, "weary yet pursuing". 

  

    The context of those words was written amid battle. Gideon and his army of 300 men had been fighting against the Midianites. God had already delivered 3 leaders into their hands and they were still pursuing more. They needed food to be strengthened, but those around them did not come to their rescue. Instead of giving up, they pursued their enemy, even though they were weary. (There is a lot more to the story, and I encourage you to read it in Judges 8, but God used those three little words to encourage me this day.)

    When I am tired and weary of the battle where do I go? Who do I turn to? How do I cope with the weariness that I feel? What should I pursue instead of giving in to the weariness of my soul? 

    Too often I want to go to people, and while the body of Christ can and should be a good source of refreshment often they fail. They fail because we have gone to them first, we've put our hope in their strength to encourage and lift us up instead of Christ. They fail because they have battles of their own to fight. 

So before going to others, even the body of Christ, we must go to God. We must go to His word. It's here, and here alone that I am refreshed and encouraged.

    I forget this so many times and run to people. But today it was God's words that refreshed this tired and weary heart. Perhaps they too will refresh your weary heart.

 Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the LORD , the Creator of the ends of the earth Does not becomewearyor tired. His understanding is inscrutable.  He gives strength to theweary, And to him who lacks might He  increases power. Though youths grow weary and tired, And vigorous young men stumble badly, Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary. (Isaiah 40:28-31)

"For I satisfy the weary ones and refresh everyone who languishes." (Jer 31:25)

Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For my yoke is easy and My burden is light. (Matthew 11:28-30)

Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary. (Gal 6:9)

For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. (Hebrews 12:3)

    Jesus will be our strength, in Him we will find rest. Run to Him, pursue Him through His words to you.

    So what should we do instead of giving in to weariness, discouragement, depression, anxieties, or any other ways we may try to deal with hard times? What does God's word say I should pursue instead of giving in to my weariness?

 O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly; My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You, In a dry and weary land where there is no water. (Psalm 63:1)

So then we pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another. (Rom 14:19) 

... pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, perseverance and gentleness. (1 Timothy 6:11) 

...seek peace and pursue it.  (Heb 12:14; 1 Peter 3:11)

  Today may we choose to seek God and the things of God. May we pursue that which will build us up instead of tearing us down. May we fall on our knees before the cross, pray to know God, and pursue Him in a greater, deeper way.

Press On Toward Christ

In this world we are told there will be suffering, trials, heartache and tribulations.

It can feel overwhelming. So overwhelming that people are often tempted to stop, give up and they lose hope. 

But God reminds us to press on to maturity. (Heb 6:1) We can choose to allow the trials of this life to mature us and make us more like Christ.

We are reminded to press on to know the LORD" (Hos 6:3)

And...

We are told to press on so that we may lay hold of that for which also  was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. We press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. (Phil 3:12,14)

My dear friends no matter what you are facing today, no matter how you feel, I pray that you will choose to press in to Christ so that you are able to grow in maturity and be more like Christ Jesus.

A Lament for Healing

I wrote this a few months ago as I realized that I was not going into remission. My almost 4 year battle with Hypothyroidism, due to Graves Disease will soon result in a thyroid removal. Sometimes healing doesn’t come as we desire. And though I know God could cause me to go into remission or healing me completely so Graves is gone, He hasn’t chosen too. I don’t know why, but I do know He loves me and that His purposes for my life are good. 

Oh Lord how long will I struggle?

 How long will my body work against me?

 Do you see me fight the darkness. 

Where are You? 

I pray for healing but it does not come. 

Why are you silent? 

 

 O Lord I need you!

 I need to feel Your Spirit within me. 

I need to know you are with me

Even if healing never comes. 

Free me from this life!

Show me how to live with pain yet joy.  

Lord God, I know you are good. 

I know your purposes are true and holy.

 You have everything in your hands. 

You rule the nations and keep all things together. 

I know you keep me too.

 

Your purposes are beyond my understanding. 

Your ways are higher than mine. 

I want to be in Your will. 

I will be content in whatever You do. 

Father I pray for healing, 

Yet Your will be done. 

3 Things I've Learned About Community While In Isolation

I’ve always welcomed isolation. At times, you could even say that I’ve longed for it. Isolation, to me, means renewal. It gives me strength, energy and is good for my mental health. I love giving, serving and coming alongside people but it needs to be balanced with time alone. But isolation can have a negative side if I am not careful. It’s my weakness, the place the enemy knows to attack. I’ll isolate from the hurt, pain or sorrow that have come into my life. I withdraw from my community when things get too hard or hurtful. I will just curl up within myself where it feels safe.

I do not always mean to stay in isolation for long periods of time, but too often I just get comfortable. I begin to believe the lie that I can get by on my own, just Jesus and me. But this kind of isolation is counter intuitive. It drains my energy. It does not cause growth but death. Death to my soul. Death to my relationships. It will push people away making me even more isolated sending me on a path toward discouragement, even depression.

During this time of forced isolation I have come to realize that I have grown far too comfortable in my self isolation of the past few years. As I said before, isolation can be a needed renewal of energy but it should be for short periods of time not a lifestyle.

God has used this time of quarantine to shown me why I need to be in community. I am sure there are more but theses are the, not so new, lessons I’ve seen.

Living in community our lies are exposed. We are more vulnerable to believe the lies of the world, our flesh and our enemy when isolated. It’s important to have a community around us that will challenge our beliefs, and speak truth to us when we are believing lies. As others live and speak the truth around us the lies we believe are easier to see. (Ephesians 4:14-16;25)

Community helps me to grow. I can and should have times in God’s word alone. I need to be able to study God’s word for myself, to be able to grow alone. But I also need God’s people to help me process, and challenge me to go deeper in my understanding of God’s word and who God is. (1 Cor 12:24-26; 1 Thess 5:11)

Community is a safe place to be our authentic self. I really struggle with this one but it doesn’t make it any less true. Let’s just be honest here, community isn’t always safe. In fact, community has been a place of great hurt. What God has shown me though is that even in the hurt and pain it can still be safe in Him. It’s here that my brothers and sisters will love, support, pray, encourage, and point me toward Jesus.

They will not always do it perfectly, and neither will I. They will, however, accept me with love and desire God’s best for me. Within the larger Church we can find smaller communities of people that are safe. A group of close friends, a life group, a Bible study can all be really safe communities. They are more intimate and allow you a place to grow deeper, and become more solid in your walk with Jesus. They will hold you accountable to the truth of God’s word. (Hebrews 10:23-25; Gal 6:2; 1 Pe 4:8;)

My challenge (to all of us) is that when this “forced” isolation is over we will pour ourselves out and really love our community. To reach out with abandon asking “how can I best serve Jesus as I serve His people.” We must be willing to go out on a ledge, if needed, in order to rescue our brothers or sisters in Christ. We need to surround ourselves with a group of God's family who love us, point us to Him, keep us accountable and grow us deeper in our relations with Christ.

In Christ’s community, we need to be willing to be rejected, hurt, or misunderstood in order to point our brother’s and sister’s toward a deeper walk with Jesus.

Orginally posted on May 22, 2020 at Women Encouraging Women

The Hope in Suffering

I was reading in 1 Peter today and was struck again by the hope we have in our suffering. The context of 1 Peter is our suffering for the Lord, especially during the last days. But as I read it today I was reminded that the truths Peter shares and how they also apply to our everday suffering.

1 Peter 1:6 and 7 says "In this you greatly rejoice, even thought now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by faire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ;"

In what are we to rejoice? We have a living hope through Jesus Christ. We will obtain an inheritance which is imperishable. We are protected by the power of God through faith. (1:3-5) And because we have a living Christ who has secured our place in heaven we can rejoice today, even though we face suffering. Suffering is temporary, our salvation, our inheritance is eternal.

Therefore, by focusing on the eternal in the day to day trials I can persevere knowing that one day, even if not here on earth, Christ will restore, confirm, strengthen and establish, not only His kingdom but also His child.

Today I hold on to my eternal reward. I hold on knowing that one day the suffering and trials of this life will fade away. I will no longer feel pain, sorrow or heartbreak. One day in heaven I will see Jesus face to face and all of this world will mean nothing.

Is God Still Faithful When the Storm Doesn't End?

The LORD is good to all, And His mercies are over all His works. Psalm 145:9

I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living. Psalm 27:13

Recently I have heard several proclaim God's faithful as a result of answered prayer. They praised God because He provided a job, healing for illnesses, and the return of a prodigal child. Those around them rejoiced and exclaimed the goodness and faithfulness of God, as we should. God is good. He is faithful and together we can rejoice when we see clear evidence of His goodness and grace to us.

But as I sat there a question came to my mind. I am not exactly sure where it came from and I do not believe the question was meant to be asked aloud at that particular time. But it was question that my own heart needed to answer. The question my heart asked was, "Is God faithful and good even when things do not turn out the way I expect?" My immediate response was "Of course He is! God is always good. He is always faithful. Even in those times I don't see His answers or understand what He is doing."

 The question haunted me. I was not satisfied with my quick heart response. Would God still be faithful if a sick child died after much prayers? Would God still be faithful if your husband chose to walk out of your marriage after praying and fighting for healing? Would God still be faithful if your child remained a prodigal even though many were praying for her?

Would I still see God as faithful if I had to walk the rest of my life in pain, never to be healed? Could I walk through whatever I am walking through, without any apparent answers, and still proclaim God good? 

The truth is there are days I struggle believing He is good to me. I struggle to believe in His faithfulness.

It's easy to proclaim God's goodness when things turn out the way we think they should. It's easy to give thanks when God answers our prayers with a yes, or answers beyond what we asked or imagined. But when His answer is no it can be harder to see and trust in His goodness.

I am learning that I need to know and understand that God's faithfulness is a part of His character. His goodness is not based on what He does and doesn't do according to my plan, it's who He is. God is faithful according to His plans, not mine. I may not see the end of a particular season of suffering but I can trust in God's goodness to see me through.

The thing is, regardless of how I might feel God remains the same. God is good. God is faithful. There is nothing that can change those facts. If I feel that He isn't good or faithful in my life, whatever the circumstance, then I have a wrong view of God and I am believing lies. Nothing can or will change who God is.

We speak of God's faithfulness while we walk through the storms of life but can we speak of His faithfulness if the storm doesn't end? I want to be more mindful to sing His praises in the storm, not just when the storm is over. 

When We Feel Shriveled Up By Suffering

Though I have become like a wineskin in the smoke, I do not forget Your statutes. Ps 119:83

I have always loved Psalm 119 and as a result have spent much time reading and studying it. This chapter has brought sweet comfort and refreshment to my soul on many occasions. But it never fails that a fresh reading of it will bring something new that I hadn't seen before. Today, while reading I stopped at verse 83 and thought so what happens to a wineskin in smoke? What does the psalmist mean by saying that he has "become like a wineskin in smoke"? 

Here is what I found:

The KJV uses bottle instead of wineskin and has this to say, "As the bottles in the East are made of skin, it is evident that one of these hung up in the smoke must soon be parched, shriveled up, lose all its strength, and become unsightly and useless. Thus the Psalmist appeared to himself to have become useless and despicable, through and exhausted state of his body and mind, by long bodily afflictions and mental distress." (1)

As I read this I couldn't help but remember those times in my life that I too have felt parched, shriveled up, weak and useless. For a variety of reasons, whether it's illness, pain, tragedy, sorrow, or any number of difficult circumstances, the journey of this life can seem to leave us withered and worn. These times can come as a result of God's discipline. It is true that God disciplines us for good and our suffering comes in order to produce endurance and character (Romans 5:3-5). But it doesn't always seem like it's for our good and we feel as if we are being dried up. 

So it's in the midst of feeling dried up and useless that we can say, "even though I feel like I am being shriveled up and weak I will not forget Your word. I will not forget your truth." I love Keble's paraphrase, "The severity of the discipline does not alienate me from thee, or cause me to depart from thy Law."  And then there is Matthew Poole's Commentary which says, "My natural moisture is dried and burnt up; I am withered and deformed, and despised; and my case grows worse and worse..." (2) but I do not forget Your word.  

Today regardless of where we are in this journey may we remember that our strength comes from the truth of His word. May we be reminded that in His word we find comfort. No matter how "parched or shriveled" you may feel do not depart from what you know is true according the the Word of God.

(1) http://biblehub.com/psalms/119-83.htm

(2) http://biblehub.com/commentaries/psalms/119-83.htm



Joining these blog hops today...

Battle Weary

As you sit quietly fighting the tears you realize you've been here before. You have fought this battle, or at least you think you have. But you wonder, "If it was fought why am I here again?"

Your heart is weary of the battles that seem to take forever to fight. The battles that seem to overcome you. The battles that cause you to feel like you want to give up.

You do the only thing you know to do. You reach for His word. You open up the only weapon you have and begin to read...and pray. As you read you realize you do not fight alone. You feel His strength and His power flow through you.

 It's then you understand that the battle you are fighting is one that must be fought often. It must be fought often, not because you are weak, but because God wants to make you stronger. He wants to take you deeper. Deeper into the battle, deeper into the heart, so that you can come face to face with that which keeps you in bondage. He takes you deeper in order to see your sin, your weaknesses, idols and those things that you hold on to. He takes you deeper for greater healing, and a greater victory.

So when you find yourself fighting a battle that you thought had been fought do not be discouraged. God is taking you deeper into the battle in order to grow you. So fight the good fight, keep a hold of your faith in Christ Jesus and know that He fights for you.

For Further encouragement when you are in the midst of the battle: Deut 20:1; 2 Chron 20:17; 1 Tim 6:12; 2 Thess 3:13 1 Pe 1:13; James 1:12; Eph 6:11; Gal 6:9; Rev 2:10

Have You Lost Hope?

Have you lost hope? Are you growing weary of fighting to find hope in your circumstances? Too often we are looking to the wrong things or people. As I was reading Lamentations 3 this morning I was reminded that regardless of how I feel, regardless of my current circumstances, or how people treat me, I can still have hope. I can still walk with joy through my circumstances because I hope in what the Lord has promised.

In Lamentations 3 we see one who has lost hope. He is a man who has seen affliction(1) and feels as if his prayers are not heard.(8) He has no peace and has forgotten happiness. His strength has failed and he has lost hope. (17-18) Can you identify? Have you been so overwhelmed by your circumstances that you have lost hope?

If you find yourself in a place of lost hope then may I encourage you to remember that the Lord’s faithfulness will never cease toward those who seek Him. Lamentations continue with a reminder that we would also do well to remember. “This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope.” (21)

In the midst of feeling forgotten and losing hope we need to remember that “ The Lord’s lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail.They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. (22-23) God promises to remain faithful to His children. He will never fail or disappoint. We can have hope because God, and God alone, will never fail us.

God is our portion and because He is we can hope in Him. What this means is that even if we have lost all we have in this world, finances, family, friendships, comfort, or even my health, we can have hope that God is with us. We can be satisfied with nothing and rest knowing we have God.

 This attitude is hard and I am still working on it. To be content with God alone even if my family and friends forsake me? I’d rather be destitute, live in great physical pain and poor health than be forsaken by those I love. My greatest fear has always been to be abandoned by those I love. To come to the end of my life and realize I have no friends or family who care about me. Yet I am continually reminded that all the Lord has in mine and He is enough. I am reminded that the things (and people) of this world will disappoint but God never will. I am reminded that unless I put my hope in the Lord I will always live in a place of disappointment.

When our hope is in the Lord we are never disappointed.

“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I have hope in Him.” The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, To the person who seeks Him. (Lam 3:24-25)

Why not spend time today reading Lamentations 3. Circle the word hope and write down all you see about hope. Who do we hope in? Why should we hope? What is the result of hope? I would love to have you come back and share what God has showed you.

Linking up at Grandma's Brief's Grand Social! Stop on in and visit other baby boomer bloggers.

I am Afflicted and Needy

Let all who seek You rejoice and be glad in You; and let those who love Your salvation say continually, “Let God be magnified.” But I am afflicted and needy; Hasten to me, O God! You are my help and my deliverer; O Lord, do not delay. (Psalm 70:4-5)

I want to be self reliant, to not appear needy. For me to ask for help is difficult especially when it comes to emotional or spiritual help. Actually if I am really honest it’s just any kind of help. In 2005 I was in a car accident and there were those of my friends who wanted to provide a few meals afterwards. I said I was fine; I could manage. I was lying, I could manage, but it was difficult, I was in a lot of pain. In spite of what I said a few friends brought meals anyway. They just didn’t give me a choice. It was such a blessing.

Some may say it’s my pride, and perhaps it is, but somewhere along the line I got the message that needing the help of others was a bad thing. It shows weakness and I didn’t want to appear weak. I don’t want to “have” to need anyone. Most of my life has been lived with an attitude of “ I can do this, I don’t need your help”. Unfortunately this attitude carries over into my relationship with God. I’ve made choices without God because I “can do it” on my own. Yes, I know, pride with a capitol P!

But God, don’t you just love that phrase! BUT GOD! He is unwilling to just let me go. He knows what is best and while I may fight against Him at times He is patiently and lovingly teaching me of my absolute dependency on Him. He is showing me I do need His help and the way He helps us is by sometimes using others.

Since my accident I have lived with chronic pain and today I can rejoice for it. This pain has taught me of my need to rely on God. It has taught me humility. I am afflicted. I am needy. Neither of those are a sign of weakness. In fact they are quite the opposite. I have learned it takes strength to admit that we indeed are weak and in need of help.

Today I still struggle, at times, with asking others for help, but I am learning. However, I can freely admit before God that I am needy. I can not do this thing called life apart from His help. I need Him in every single moment of every single day. As I learn to rely on Him in the moments of life I am able to see in a greater way just how marvelous and wonderful His grace is poured out to me. In fact because I am relying on Him more and more each day I am able to see just how He uses our affliction and neediness to bring glory to Him.

You see, if I get up in the morning, barely able to walk and in great pain, yet do what I am suppose to do and serve those God places in front of me it is because He has given me the grace to do it. He is the one who gets the glory, not me. So while I have not yet arrived in full knowledge I have learned to say along with Paul, “… "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.” 2 Cor 12:9

It is a continued journey of learning, growing and walking in His grace. A grace that gives me what I need in each moment. A grace that strengthens me, His beloved daughter who is afflicted and needy.


Linking up with Grace & Truth and Counting My Blessings

Our Story of Love

(This was originally posted in 2007 I've updated it and am re-posting it. It continues to be my favorite love story.)

On November 26th my husband and I will celebrate 33 yrs of being married. So I want to take this day to be thankful for him and a God who knows just what I needed in a mate. I thought I'd share how we met. At least the short version, as it can be quite long. It's a story of a man's love for the woman he felt God gave him, but even more so, it's a story of God's faithfulness and redeeming love.

We met in June of 1981. I had just graduated from high school in Winchester Virginia and decided to go to Breakaway in Ocean City, NJ with Youth For Christ. Keith was from Pa and was on his way with the Pocono group of YFC as a leader. The conference was from Sunday to Friday. We met on Wednesday.

A friend dragged me down to the basketball courts to meet "this guy". When I saw him he was standing there with his clipboard, sunglasses on, a dark tan and girls hanging around him. So she introduced us and I thought "great another jock who is full of himself". Well that night I ended up with a group at dinner and "he" was there. We ended up talking most of the evening as we walked along the boardwalk after dinner and the evening session. By the end of the week Keith felt God had told him that I was the girl he would marry. God didn't tell me any such thing!I left that week thinking I'd never see him again and that was fine with me.

One week later I was at a YFC meeting in Winchester and in walked Keith for a surprise visit. I wanted to hide! I couldn't believe it! What was he thinking? He spent the weekend in town and we got to know one another better. My family thought he was great. I still wasn't so sure.

Over the course of the next 6 months he called me and wrote letters, and yes, I even wrote back. I even went to visit him!  I grew to like him, he was a great friend. In December of 1981 Keith came for a visit with a dozen roses and a ring! He proposed on Christmas Eve. I felt so bad to have to send him home with the ring. He was crushed. He couldn't understand. He just knew I was "the" one he was to marry.

We didn't communicate after that. In fact Keith wouldn't hear from me again until June of 1982. I knew that Keith would be at the YFC Breakaway again and there was something I needed to tell him. I felt would be better if he heard it from me, but I didn't have the courage to tell him in person, so I wrote a letter and sent it with a friend who was going.

Keith had heard that I might be there and was somewhat nervous and yet excited that he might see me. But when all the groups arrived there was only a message for him. A letter that was very difficult to write. After Keith proposed and we stopped talking, I met someone. I thought he was "the" one. He was the kind of guy I thought I deserved. You see Keith was good, from a Christian home, pure, kind, loving and the best guy I'd ever known. I did not think I had a right to expect love from someone like him.

I tried to explain as gentle as I could to Keith that not only did I meet someone but I was also pregnant. But how do you do that gently?  I am told that after Keith read the letter he just sat there and cried. He still believed I was the one God told him to marry, but now he began to wonder if maybe he was just being delusional. Perhaps he heard God all wrong.

When Keith got home he called me. We talk for a long time. He wanted to know what I was going to do since this guy wouldn't marry me, and he (the baby's father) wanted me to have an abortion. We talked about my options and he walked me through the pros and cons of adoption, but I was so undecided.

We continued to communicate throughout my pregnancy. Keith would listen when I called him to say that this guy and I were getting back together. He wanted to try and be a father. Keith listened a few weeks later as I cried into the phone with another broken heart. And all this time he still loved me. He prayed for me, He was my friend. He was always there for me, a real source of love, encouragement and friendship.

On December 18th 1982 my son was born. When we got home I called Keith to let him know. I also wanted him to know that we would be going to Children's hospital. My son had congestive heart failure due to a hole in his heart (VSD and ASD). Keith and I remained in contact. My son would be fine once they got him on the right kind of medication and the right dose. It would take several trips and several stays in Children's Hospital. Keith continued to be my source of encouragement during the hard times of  not knowing if my baby would be alright.

In May, when my son was 5 months old, Keith came to visit. We had been writing and talking for almost a year now and he told me that he wanted to see me. He came and spent the weekend with my family. Keith got to know my son. We talked a lot. When Keith returned home he called me the next day to tell me that he still loved me and that he also fell in love with my son.

 I got off the phone and talked to my mom. I didn't love him. He was absolutely my best friend and I didn't want to lose him as a friend. He loved me and but he wanted something more than just friendship. My mother said I was stupid to let someone like that get away. She told me that men like that came along once and if I didn't grab him I'd regret it.

"But mom! I don't know if I love him."
"Of course you do" she said, "you just haven't realized it."

Well I thought about that for a day or so. In my mind Keith just might be my last hope. I prayed and prayed. I wanted to see it in writing somewhere...anywhere! I just didn't know. Was he the one I was suppose to marry? How could someone so wonderful want me? After all I have done how could he still love me? I couldn't understand that kind of love. I didn't even know if I believed in that kind of love. And even if it did exist I am not so sure it existed for someone like me.

About a month after Keith's visit I called him to ask him if he still wanted to marry me. He told me he'd give me an answer when he returned the following week from vacation. Keith left that next morning with a group of his friends for a week at the beach. On the way he asked his friend to be his best man. He didn't have to think about it. He already knew what God had told him two years agao was still true.

That week was a killer for me.  What if he said no? What if I was too late? What if? What if? I was a confused young girl who had no clue who I was, or who God was for that matter. I had become a believer in 1978, but still didn't really understand Gods love or His character. I was too young to be a mother. Too young to be a wife. Yet God was in the process of working out the "all things" in my life so that He would recieve the glory.

 One week later Keith returned home, talked to his father, who thought he was crazy and to young to be a husband and father, but said if he thought this was what God wanted they would support him. So we got married 4 months later on Nov 26th 1983.

Yes I married a man I wasn't so sure I loved, but he was my best friend. I put him though so much in those two years of "dating". Yet God would use this man's love for me to begin to break down the walls that kept me from seeing and knowing God. For so long I had kept people and God at a distance. As Keith says, my walls were probably stronger than Fort Knox! He was the only one that I let my guard down with. I allowed him in, but it would take years before I would let him see all the dark places.

Through the years God has worked in my heart to bring light and freedom to all those dark and hidden places. There was so much healing that needed to be done in my life.  Through it all my husband has been there by my side loving me and walking with me. He has helped me go places that I didn't want to go. He has encouraged me, and challenged me in my walk with God. God knew the kind of man I would need, and even though I made it difficult, God made sure I had what I needed.

Through the years I have grown to love this man deeply. As I look back I realize that perhaps I have always loved him, even in my limited understanding of love. But I believe that when you choose to stay and fight, to work through the hard times of marriage, and life, that there is a growing understanding of what love really is.

When I tell our story my husband often feels that I make him out to be this great, wonderfully perfect husband. Well I do think he is pretty wonderful, but no, he is not perfect. He too has had to learn and grow. God has had to change and mold him, to soften some of the rough edges. No he isn't perfect, but he is perfect for me. And these last 33 yrs we've been married have been good and I mean wonderfully good. I didn't say perfect. :-)

Well I know this was long...and you even got the short version. Hope you enjoyed our story.

Today I am joining with the following link up! Feel free to check them out!  Wedded Wednesday and Wifey Wednesday. 

Called to Forgive, Again!

Have you ever had one of those moments when you think you are over something, it's in the past, been forgiven and healing has come and then wham out of no where someone hits you with a baseball bat? That was my week. From out of no where someone hit me. I was completely unprepared. I am not sure why I was so stunned.

My past was filled with hurtful words and actions from this person. Some might say that I should have expected it. But the thing is I didn't expect it because healing in the relationship had come. I had forgiven and for a couple of years we've experienced a new relationship. We had reached a place of common ground, of walking in grace and forgiveness. Or so I thought.

Her words cut deep. They hurt, and as I took my hand and rubbed over the once healed scar expecting it to be open and bleeding again I found it was still healed. The wound was healed, but the feeling of the scar caused a deep ache within. I wanted this to be over. I didn't want to be reminded again of the past betrayals. The past hurt. To be honest, this hurt knocked me to the ground. For almost 2 days I sat there stunned trying to figure out why now. Why did I give her the power to hurt again? 

We all have those times don't we? Times we know healing has come or that we have moved past a hurt and yet find ourselves knocked to the ground. It's in that moment, with face to the ground, that we have a choice. 

A choice. What will I do now? Will I continue laying there on the ground wallowing in self pity and hurt? Or will I allow Jesus to pick me up? One thing I know for sure is that it has to be Jesus picking me up because left on my own I would sit and nurse those old wounds. I would feel sorry for myself. My flesh is often so weak and I want to hurt them back. I want revenge. But I know truth. I know what Jesus says about forgiveness. I know what He says about loving my enemies and those who hurt me. So I give it to Him. I offer up the hurt and ask Him to help me up. 

Looking at Jesus causes us to look at what HE has done not what has been done to us. When I look at Jesus I remember that I too am a sinner. I have hurt others with my words and by my actions. I have failed. I have fallen short. But He, Jesus, has forgiven me. His blood was shed so that I might walk in freedom of my sin. 

When I look at the cross of Jesus and see my sin that nailed Him there and the forgiveness that was given how can I not forgive again? How can I not offer forgiveness to this person again when ALL my sins have been forgiven? 

When I look at Jesus I can forgive again and continuing walking with love for my enemies and those who hurt me. 

Then Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven. Matt 18:21-22

Keep Silent and Move

God sets the people free from their slavery. He, through Moses, has just lead the people out of Egypt to a dead end right up to the shores of the Red Sea. Behind them are the Egyptians. The Israelites become frightened. In fact they become so frightened as they look around at their circumstances that they begin to lament how much better is would have been to stay slaves than to die in the wilderness. (Ex 14:8-12)

Moses, knowing what God is about to do (14:1-4, 15-18) and believing that He would save them, says to the people, “Do not fear! Stand by and see the salvation of the Lord which He will accomplish for you today…”(v.13) Moses believed that God had a plan to save them. He trusted that God would not free His people only to bring them out to the wilderness to die. I love what Moses continues on to say in verse 14. He tells the people that God will fight for them so they need to just stop whining.

Okay so it may not say it in those exact words but seriously don’t we need to be told the “keep silent” at times? Just stop your whining about how bad things look right now and trust God to work it all out. I am so often like the Israelites when things get bad and I can’t see any way out. It appeared to them that there was no way out. To move forward, it seemed they might drown, and to stay or turn back they faced an enemy that is far stronger. So they began to complain, instead of trusting in what God was about to do.

I have seriously been in this place lately. I don’t understand what God is doing in my life or where He is taking me. I may not be facing death, but I look around at my life and often begin to whine and complain about the things I don’t like or understand. Like the Israelites I look at my circumstances instead of trusting in what God is going to do.

I love what God says to Moses next. In verse 15 He says to tell the Israelites “to go forward”. In other words, keep silent, stop complaining, and move forward. In verse 21 we see that God tells them to move forward because He is about to make a way for them to cross the sea. But honestly, I can’t imagine that the sea parted and they just joyful ran across singing praises. Maybe they did, scripture doesn’t say. But I can’t help but think they were human and they had just been whining!

Yes they did move forward. They did begin to walk across, they were obedient. But I can’t help but put myself there for a moment. I can only imagine what my thoughts might be and perhaps what there thoughts might have been. I am sure I would be afraid as I walked across the walls of water, I mean who has ever separated a body of water? Would it hold up or will it come crashing down on me? Yet I would walk because somewhere deep inside me I have faith. I would trust, even though I might be trembling, that if God could hold up the water then surely He meant to save me. Surely He would see me safely across the sea and rescue me from the Egyptians. I wouldn’t understand, but I would move.

This is faith. To move forward believing that God is with you even though you do not understand what He is doing. It’s walking in hard, and even impossible, circumstances believing that God will rescue you. It’s to move forward trusting that God has a plan.

Oh how I want to live a life that is consistent in this area. Next time I am tempted to start whining or complaining about my present struggles I pray that I will remember to just keep silent, move forward and watch what God is about to do.

I love that! Keep silent, move forward and watch what God will do! Let’s remember that next time we face the seemingly impossible!

 

This blog is part of my 2015 journey through the word. Please click to find more in this series.

When We Get Stuck

In our suffering we often get stuck in the moment. We do not know the whole story and we get stuck on what ever page we happen to be on. Or perhaps we get stuck in a whole chapter. I am reminded of this idea of being stuck when I read the story of Joseph. Joseph could have fallen into discouragement when his brothers sold him into slavery. But he didn’t. He could have just given up and had a pity party when he was thrown into prison, but we don’t see any record of that. What we do see is a young man who kept on doing what he believed God wanted him to do. He didn’t lose faith and he served His God regardless of what his current circumstances were. In Genesis 39:22-23 we read that God showed him favor in prison, I can’t imagine he would do that if Joseph was sitting around all the time feeling sorry for himself.

Joseph could have gotten stuck in self pity, but he didn’t. Oh it’s possible that he had moments of questioning God. After all he did ask the cup bearer to remember him so that he could be freed. He went on to say that he was in prison for not good reason. (40:14-15) I am sure that he had moments of doubts, questions and maybe even self-pity. But the cupbearer did not remember Joseph and stayed in prison another 2 years. Two years, that’s a long time to be forgotten. So it’s possible he had moments, but the point is he never got “stuck”.

One reason that I believe Joseph had to have an over all right attitude, one that was not given into major pity parties or discouragement is that in the end Joseph was able to see the purpose of his suffering when he said in Genesis 45:7-8 "God sent me before you to preserve for you a remnant in the earth, and to keep you alive by a great deliverance. "Now, therefore, it was not you who sent me here, but God; and He has made me a father to Pharaoh and lord of all his household and ruler over all the land of Egypt.” You just don’t spend year in self pity and discouragement over your suffering and arrive at this truth.

But what is even more fascinating to me is Joseph’s story in light of an entire nation’s story.  To fully understand we need to go back to Genesis 15:13. God gives Abram a peek into the future when He says, "Know for certain that your descendants will be strangers in a land that is not theirs, where they will be enslaved and oppressed four hundred years.” God was going to make a great nation from the descendants of Abram (later called Abraham). God would fulfill a promise in the midst of a nation’s oppression and slavery.

We see in Genesis 46:2-4 God’s plan for His people when He says to Jacob, "I am God, the God of your father; do not be afraid to go down to Egypt, for I will make you a great nation there. "I will go down with you to Egypt, and I will also surely bring you up again; and Joseph will close your eyes." God was putting into motion a plan to build a great nation. When Jacob went into Egypt there were over seventy of his descendants.  When the nation left Egypt many put the estimate in the two to three million number of Israelites that left. God’s promise to Abraham was indeed fulfilled. They were a great nation.

The story that takes place from Genesis 15 to the end of Exodus involves decades of individual stories. At any point the characters could have gotten stuck. They did often make wrong choices and tried to help God along, but in the end each one remained faithful whether or not they understood the how the story would end. God used the individual stories of Abraham, Jacob, and Joseph to build a nation and fulfill a promise. In the process these men had to overcome many obstacles, losses and suffering. Not one of these men got to see the promise completely fulfilled and yet they remained faithful to God. They believed God was going to work it all out even though they didn’t see, this is faith.

All this causes me to pause for a moment and ask myself, “What part of my story is God using for the bigger story of redemption?” “What page or chapter am I stuck on?” “Can I look beyond today’s suffering and by faith know God has a plan for it?”

Oh beloved sisters, it’s hard some days isn’t it? To look beyond today’s pain, today’s suffering, and just trust. If we are honest we want to be able to see and know the why of it all.

I want to be like Joseph, don’t you? To suffer, yet remain faithful, knowing that God is going to use it. For Joseph, he got to see the purpose of his suffering, at least in that moment. But what he didn’t see was how God would use his slavery, and ultimately the slavery of a whole nation, to fulfill a promise made to Abraham.

As I read this story again, I want to live my life trusting that God will fulfill the promise He has made to every believer, that He will work all things out for His Glory. (Romans 8:28-30) This means I might not see the “good” today, but I can  walk in faith knowing it will come. It means I need to be content if my suffering today is for the benefit of the generations that will come after me.

We do not know how God might use today’s page of our story but this we can trust, this we can know, He will use it for His glory. Can you and I be content and remain faithful with that knowledge alone?

Can we trust God with this page of our story even if we can not see how it all ends in our lifetime?

 

This blog is part of my 2015 journey through the word. Please click to find more in this series.

30 Days of Marriage Thankfulness

I’ve been posting thankful updates on Facebook this month and decided that I should list them all in one place and since it's the month of our Anniversary (on the 26th) I thought I would focus on what I am thankful for in regards to my marriage. I am sure I'll have no problems coming up with 30 reasons I am thankful for being married or for my husband.

I share the below not to hold my marriage up as some sort of perfect example. It’s far from perfect. We have struggled and continue to struggle, but we struggle together. Even in the hardest, most difficult moments of our marriage we keep working to make it better. To get through the tough times takes a willingness to lay it all out, talk about it, walk through it and come out on the other side stronger. But, and this is a really BIG BUT, none of this is possible apart from God who works individually in our hearts and our marriage. So really it’s all about what God has done in our marriage. It’s about me (well really both of us) surrendering my heart, mind, body, and soul to the will of God. As we surrender to God we are better able to be the husband/wife we need to be.

Marriage is about the husband and wife dying daily to their wants and desires and following Christ. As we do this we often find ourselves more willing to put the other before ourselves.

Anyway, I didn’t mean to write a whole blog post I just wanted to list all the reason I am thankful for my husband and my marriage.

I am thankful for...

Day 1- the kindness of my husband.
Day 2 - his emotional strength and support during the hard times.
Day 3 - his strength of character and integrity.
Day 4 - a marriage that God uses to refine my heart and draw me closer to Him

Day 5: a husband who knows how to make me smile (even when I don't want to). Life with him is filled with so much joy even in the midst of sorrow, pain, and trials.

Day 6:  a marriage that is filled with love, friendship, forgiveness, grace, patience, laughter, and most of all God.

Day 7: the friendship I have with my husband. He is truly my best friend for life.

Day 8: my husband who loves me in those moments I don't think I am being very lovable.

Day 9: He is my hero. He is a blessing to my life.

Day 10: my husband who has faithfully worked hard to provide for our family but even more thankful that he has made choices to put his family and wife over his job/career.

Day 11:  for a marriage that consist of a 3 strand cord. My husband, my self and God.

And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart. (Ecc 4:12)

Day 12: I am thankful I get to journey along side my husband and watch him grow, change and draw into a deeper relationship with Christ. It's through my husband I have learned to love deeper and understand God's love for me in a richer way. I am blessed.

Day 13: I love the way he looks at me after all these years and calls me beautiful. I am thankful that he sees me, on good and bad days, and still loves me.

Day 14: that he is faithful. Faithful to our marriage vows, to me, to God, and our family.

Day 15: I am thankful my husband does most (if not all) of the outside work...especially when it's freezing cold out there!

Day 16: I am thankful that within the marriage relationship I have learned, and continue to learn, that it's in those difficult, hard and often times painful moments of life that we grow the most.

Day 17: I am thankful that marriage has taught me to live less selfishly, with greater compassion and love. It has also taught me I sill have much to learn....and room to grow.

Day 18: I am thankful he chose me!! Seriously, for those who do not know our story, he had every right to give up, and yet he kept loving, pursuing and still chose to marry me!

Day 19: So thankful that my husband is there for me when I need to talk and talk or when I need to just sit in silence. I'm pretty sure he likes the silence better, but he is a great listener, sounding board and advice giver.

Day 20: I am thankful for grace. Grace in my marriage. Neither one of us are perfect. Our marriage is far from perfect. We fail, disagree and have wrong attitudes and yet we continue to love, work it out and offer grace. Again not perfectly, we are very aware of our imperfections and sins that cause our marriage to be imperfect. But, even more so, we are aware of a God who empowers us, forgives us, and pours out grace daily in order for our marriage to grow to be what God wants it to be.

Day 21: I am thankful for my children, daughters in law and grandchildren. I am proud of each and every one of them. They are amazing blessings, fruit of our love, marriage and commitment. I give God alone the glory for what He has done.

Day 22: I am thankful that God has been faithful in helping us keep the promise we made to one another on our wedding day.

Day 23: I am thankful my husband is a patient man.

Day 24: I am thankful...today my heart just overflows with thankfulness for blessings too many to list, blessing undeserved...God's grace which He pours upon me is amazing.

Day 25: Almost daily he snuggles up close and whispers in my ear, “You are beautiful!”

Day 26: Today we celebrate 31 years of love, family, joy, friendship, togetherness, but along with these we have also had losses, heartaches, conflict, hard times, disappointments, hurt and sorrow. For all this we can be thankful. We give thanks for all these for we know, and have seen, God work out His purposes through both.

Day 27: I am grateful for two couples in particular who, in our early years of marriage, spoke truth to us, prayed with and for us and modeled what a godly marriage should be. But through the years God has brought many godly couples into our lives as examples and I am thankful for each of them.

Day 28: I am grateful to my church, especially the pastors, who continually preach the truth of God's word when it come to the covenant marriage relationship. And challenge us often on how we are to treat one another as husbands and wives.

Day 29: I am grateful that having a good marriage isn't solely based on what I do or don't do. It's about allowing God to be in control and center of my life. I need to surrender my life to a God who continues to work in and through me to be the wife He desires me to be. I am thankful He hasn't given up on my sometime stubborn heart.

Day 30: Our marriage isn’t perfect. I don’t have a perfect husband. I am not the perfect wife. But we do have a perfect God who daily works in us. I am thankful that for 31 years God is the one who has held us together.

When the Day is Hard

Some days are just hard aren’t they? For a myriad of reasons there are just days that seem to drain us emotionally. We could be facing the death of a loved one, a prodigal child, financial loss, a painful relationship, betrayal of friends or loved ones and the list could go on and on. Or you could just be having a rather ordinary day that seems hard due to chronic pain, lack of sleep, sickness and so many other physical things that often come upon us.

Lately my life has seemed really hard. It’s hard to get up in the morning. Hard to do what must be done. I am tired, really tired, of chronic pain. I don’t write much about it because I don’t want you to think I am whining, or complaining. I know that others face far greater pain than I. So on most days I just “suck it up” and plow through my day. I do what must be done. Sure pain meds help, but so often that adds a whole list of other issues too. So it’s a battle of just how much pain can I tolerate before giving in and “popping a pill.”

But I get tired of “sucking it up”. I get tired of the doctor’s visits, meds, and once again lets try physical therapy. I get tired of having to pretend I am fine because there are those who don’t understand. After all, you look, fine on the outside. Besides, you get tired of trying to explain that “just because I’m having a hard day and my pain levels might be very high I am not falling apart spiritually.” I mean seriously, my faith and trust isn’t that fragile! Or my personal favorite, “but I’ve been praying, why are you still living with pain?” Sigh, that would take another post to fully answer but let’s just say that for these responses it’s sometimes just easier to pretend and say I am doing “just fine”

It is my faith that holds me together. It’s my trust in the One who sees me and understands that keeps me strong. Today has been hard. I cried all the way home from another doctors visit. I felt weak because my pain caused tears. I should be stronger and yet I was reminded that my trust is in Jesus. He is my deliverer, He is my strength. When I got home God took me to Psalms 56 where it begins with a reminder that even though I might battle all day with pain I can put my trust in God whose words I will praise.

David’s battle was with an enemy, my battle is chronic pain, your battle may be something entirely different. Regardless, we can trust in Him, the One who is worthy of our praise. The Psalm ends with these words, “For You have delivered my soul from death, Indeed my feet from stumbling, so that I may walk before God in the light of the living.” Regardless of kind of day it is I know He will deliver me through it, He will keep me from stumbling so that my walk before Him stays pure and right.

Oh, and right in the middle of Psalms 56 we are reminded that the tears we cry are collected by God. Ours tears are in His book. He knew before time the tears I would cry. He knew the pain and sorrow I would face. He knew my body would feel far older than it is. Could He heal me? Absolutely! But He chooses not to, at least not at this point. Why? I don’t know. Maybe to teach me endurance, or to keep me relying upon Him? There could be many reasons, but I don’t need to know them. I only need to press in and praise Him in the midst of pain. That’s where faith and trust is most evident, to be able to sing His praises regardless of the kind of day you are having.

So today my friend look to Him and walk through the day, not because you have to “suck it up” but because you are resting in Him. Sing praises to Him because He is the God Almighty and worthy to be praised. And be reminded that He sees where you are today even if no one else does and He alone promises to strengthen you.

Dear Sisters, Let Us Love

“This is my command: Love each other.” John 15:17 “Be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love.” Eph 4:2 NLT

I don’t know why you have been surprised by the harshness of life, no one said it would be easy. People will be mean, they will ignore you, say hurtful things about you. There will be those who seem to not care, they go about their life in seemingly selfish behavior. They will judge you unjustly on outward appearances and things they don’t see or understand.You will experience times of loneliness and pain. You will face death, sickness and heartbreak.

No one lives long without these things. No. One. “Dear friends, don't be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you. 1 Peter 4:12 NLT

Dear sister, you must also recognize those moments that you have caused the hurt in the life of another. You have judged unjustly and caused heartache. You have ignored one who needed a friendly smile. You too have said hurtful things. You have been selfish. You have made the choice to not befriend one who needed it. You have chosen to try to withdraw and hide from life. You have decided to hold people at arms length.

Yes today is a day of sorrowful reflection. A day that reminds me I have failed my sisters. I have hurt and been hurt. I have been judged and I have judged. The thing is, we all have failed one another. We have failed as yet another wife, mother and sister falls into depression, and despair. She is ready to give up on her community, herself and life. She feels alone.

We are all guilty. Not one of us can claim that we have not been selfish. We have ignored those in need of a friend. We all do or say things that cause heartbreak. We are all guilty of not being the hands and feet of Jesus to all within our community regardless of race, social, marital, or economical status.

It is time for confession. Time for forgiveness. It is time to stop hurting and start reconciling. Let us embrace one another with the love of Jesus Christ. Let us reach out to a sister who needs to know someone cares. If we can’t be the hands and feet of Jesus to those within our church walls how will we ever reach those outside the walls?

“Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor” Romans 12:10

“Let us not become conceited, or irritate one another, or be jealous of one another.” Gal 5:26NLT

Oh Father help me to see the hurt and pain of those around me. Help me to be Your hands and feet. Help me to see with Your eyes and hear with Your heart. Forgive me for my pity excuses to not reach out and serve those who need a simple hug or smile. I want Your Spirit to be alive in me working, and doing the will of the Father. Help me to reach across racial and social division to those who need a friend. Help me to get out of my comfort zone and reach out to those who are different then me. Help me be like Jesus. Amen.