When Your Spouse Feels Like an Enemy

Recently, someone jokingly asked, “Who is our spouse? Is he or she our neighbor, enemy, or brethren? Is there a different love reserved for our spouse?”

I have been thinking about that quite a bit since.

I mean, I pray your spouse is not your enemy, but what if, at times, you feel like they are? Regardless, Scripture is pretty clear on how we are to treat one another. However, if you do feel as if your spouse is your enemy, how are you to treat them? Do you still have to love them?

In Luke 10:30–37, Jesus tells of a man who is beaten and robbed. Who is the one who helps him? The one least likely to help—his enemy. In fact, the Samaritan goes out of his way to help and provides for his well-being. Jesus then asks which of these was a true neighbor. Of course, it was the Samaritan, and we are to do the same.

In Matthew 5:43–44, Jesus tells us that we are to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. Luke 6:27–28 goes even further when it says that we are to “do good to those who hate you” and “bless those who curse you.” Again, we are told to pray for those who mistreat us. If they do mistreat you or hurt you, you are to forgive (Matthew 6).

If your spouse feels like your enemy, you are called to forgive, bless them, pray for them, and love them.

Our spouses are included in the “love your neighbors” and “love the brethren.” So many times, as we study these verses, we forget that they need to be applied to them.

Just how are we to treat one another (including our spouse)?

We are to love as Christ loves (John 13:34). We are to be devoted to one another in love, giving preference to one another. Be of the same mind toward one another (Romans 12:10–16). In other words, we are to give preference to their needs over our own. And how did Christ love us? He gave His life.

We are to encourage one another and build one another up, not tear each other down. Our words should be words of love, not destruction (1 Thessalonians 5:11). We are to share our burdens (Galatians 6:2).

And of course, there is 1 Corinthians 13, where we are told that love is patient, kind, not jealous, and does not brag and is not arrogant. Love does not act unbecomingly or seek its own desires. It is not easily provoked and keeps no record of wrongdoing. Love does not rejoice when the other is hurt. Love bears, believes, hopes, and endures all things.

So does it matter that, on any given day, it could feel as if your spouse is your enemy, neighbor, friend, or lover? No. We are still called to love them. If they are not your brother or sister in Christ, you are still to love them as Christ loves. If your spouse seems like your enemy, Scripture is clear—you are to love them.

Too often, it’s easy to forget to apply the “do unto others” to our spouse, but real love will treat them better than you treat yourself.

I don’t know about you, but there are times this proves quite difficult. In my flesh, it’s impossible. So it is then that we must make an intentional choice to love our spouse as Christ would want us to. We must go to God and pray for the help of the Spirit to give us the desire and obedience to love—not just our spouse, but all the “others” as well.

What about you? Do you struggle to love your spouse as Christ commands? Do you treat your spouse like an enemy? Why not spend some time praying before God, asking Him to show you those areas where you might be able to show more Christlike love? Maybe there are areas where you need to seek forgiveness—from God and your spouse.