It's a Lie - I Really am a Mess

Can I  be honest and transparent for a moment? Lately I have been thinking a lot about how people see me and it hurts. It hurts because even though I think I am being honest evidently I am not. Here are some of the things I so often hear about myself. I have heard that I am a student of

God’s word, a woman of prayer, having wisdom, I even had someone say to me that my life seemed perfect. Perfect marriage, great family, lots of friends and this awesome relationship with God. I am strong in my faith and confident in God. Recently a woman said to me, I just can’t be a submissive wife like you!

Sigh. I don’t know the woman in the above description. I don't see what others see in me. Oh I might see moments of her, but more often than not I see a woman who struggles with way too many messes in life. I am so far from having life all figured out. But too often I am content with just letting people in general think what they want. Those who are closest to me know the truth. Just ask my husband how submissive I really am!

Here is what I want you to know, what I need you to know. I struggle just like you. I am just trying my best to be the woman God wants me to be. But most of the time I fail because my trying is in my own strength. And when I try in my own strength I walk in my flesh instead of  the Spirit and that creates all kinds of issues. Instead of being others focused I am often self focused. Instead meeting your need I will probably whine about no one meeting mine. When I walk in the flesh I am needy and life is all about me.

I don’t have the perfect life or perfect marriage. I am blessed, very blessed in my marriage, family and friendship but it’s not because of anything I have done or because of who I am. I am blessed because of God’s abundant grace. And to be honest I don’t get why He would give me grace at all, other than once again it has nothing to do with me.

He gives me grace because of who He is not because of who I am or what I have done. I sit here looking at the state of my heart and the pieces of my life that are a mess and I just don’t get it, but am grateful that still He pours His grace on me.

So could I ask a favor? Could we stop comparing ourselves to what we think we see in others? Could we stop assuming that anyone has it all together? Because trust me, after walking over 50 years on this earth, I have not found anyone who really has it all figured out. Did you hear that?  No one has it totally together. We all have parts of our lives that are a mess or in pieces. We all struggle to get through certain days or seasons of life.

And yet, what you might see in the more seasoned or mature (okay…older) woman (or man) is a contentment of knowing they don’t have it all together. They have lived long enough to realize that they will never have it all together, they will never understand it all, and they will never arrive at perfection. They have come to the place where they can just rest in knowing and trusting in the One who is perfect. They rest in the knowledge that they are a work in progress and the Spirit will continue to work in them until they day they see Jesus.

At least that is what I hope…because I haven’t arrived here yet either….

So perhaps instead of assuming anyone has it all together and being totally shocked when they fail, say something ugly, or behave in a way we think is uncharacteristic of them we should just give them grace.

Perhaps we should just assume that’s not who they want to be, give them grace and love them through it.


“I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I want to be, I am not what I hope to be in another world; but still I am not what I once used to be, and by the grace of God I am what I am”― John Newton


Joining this great ladies!

When Shame Speaks

It was a beautiful day, and as I sat there watching my youngest granddaughter I couldn’t help but feel blessed. I have a good life, I have four beautiful grandchildren and a family who loves me.  Oh sure there have been hard roads, painful memories, but God has been faithful to see me through them. He has used them to grow and teach me. And in this moment I was content. My heart was filled with joy, love, and an overwhelming sense of gratefulness.

But it was in that very moment I felt the darkness in the pit of my stomach. I physically felt sick. As I sat there the darkness grew to the point that I was overcome by it. I tried to stop it but it was strong, too strong. He had been apart of me for far too long. This time I could feel the strength of his lies. He wrapped himself around my heart and mind until he had his death grip on me.
This darkness has a name. I know him all too well. He is called shame.

Shame knows all about me. He knows the evil that lies within me. The sins I have committed. The lies I have told. Shame knows what I am capable of doing. He knows the monster that I could be. He knows I am not who others think I am. He knows that I am not enough. He knows the darkness and depravity of my heart and the thoughts that so often race through my mind. And shame’s only purpose is to remind me of all these things.

Shame speaks lies. He knows no truth. Or perhaps the better way to say that. is he knows the truth of the past, he knows what’s been done and will use it to remind me. But he forgets I know the truth too. I know the truth of who I am. I know the truth of who he is and even more, I know the truth of who God is.

Shame is my accuser. Shame is my enemy. Shame is what Satan uses as he stands before God and accuses me. He reminds God that I am filthy. I am unworthy. And to be honest, at times it feels as if he has won. It feels as if I stand condemned. It feels as if I am the worst sinner ever.

The truth is that Jesus stands between my accuser and me. Jesus rejects the enemy’s accusations. He paid the blood price for those sins that Satan now accuses me with. Jesus covers me in grace and mercy. Satan does not have any power over me, for Jesus defeated Him already.

I am reminded that Jesus has taken away my sins. I am free. I have a new heart and mind. The Father sees Jesus when He sees me.  God sees the blood of Jesus that has covers my sins. I am His precious child who is no longer accused. I can now walk in righteousness. I now have God’s Spirit in me. I have the Spirit’s power.

So sweet child, stop listening to the lies of shame. Shame only has the power over you if you allow it. Do not fear your enemy called shame, rebuke him in Jesus name and he will flee. And beloved, if ever you feel like you can’t fight him, just call out the name of Jesus for He am always with you and the power of His name will cause your enemy to flee.

I wish this scenario didn’t happen as often as it does, but I struggle more often than I care to admit with shame based thinking. But the joy…the grace…the encouragement is this,  Each time I struggle the struggle is less. Each time shame comes I grow, heal and learn to run to Jesus. And those times I find it exceptionally hard I humble myself and ask for help. I cry out to Jesus and ask for prayers and words of truth from trusted friends.

Zach 3:1-6; Eph 1:7; John 3:18, 8:36; Luke 10:17; 2 Cor 6:11; Rom 8:1

If you are struggling with shame and want to learn more I encourage you to read these two articles that I recently read and found very helpful

5 Ways to Help Stop Negative Thoughts

I don't know about you but sometimes my worst enemy is myself. It's all those lies that spiral out of control in my head that I can't seem to control. Too often it's the thoughts in my head that defeat me. It's the insecurities, fear and anxiety that comes from those lies that render me useless more than anything else. So what do I do when my mind is spinning with negative, useless, repetitive thoughts?

This by no means is meant to be an exhaustive list but they are things that work for me.

1. Turn on some praise music and belt out the words loudly! Granted when others are around this can be more difficult, but if I am in the car or home alone then I am singing the words really loud. I Other times I find just putting on my headphones and listening works too. Music does two things I think. It detracts me from the negative thoughts and helps me focus on words that are praise worthy. It also helps me to remember what truth is.

2. Read. Again this is a way to refocus our thoughts on something else. But as a caution be careful what you are picking up to read. When I am really struggling to think right I find picking up my Bible to read or a solid biblical book helps my thoughts to refocus on truth. Picking up a novel and getting lost in it rarely works for me. Most often it's going straight to the Word of truth that helps feed my mind with truth. 

3. Pray. This one can be harder at times because when I am praying my mind is often continuing to repeat the lies in the background. But I just keep praying instead of giving up. Pray that God would remove the thoughts. If it's a real struggle then praying God's word back to Him is also helpful. I find the book of Psalms very good to use as prayers.

4. Call a friend. Not just any girlfriend though, she needs to be one that will speak truthfully to you. One that can encourage you to think right. Calling a friend who tend to be negative or critical all the time will be no help at all. Sometimes just getting the thoughts out helps. And with the right kind of friend you can process through to see if there are deeper issues that you need to deal with. 

5. Laugh out loud. Seriously just laugh. Go do something fun with a girlfriend or your family. For me personally, I take life entirely too seriously. When I am especially burdened with over thinking everything I find that taking some time to laugh helps. It's really okay to have fun. Give yourself permission to just let go and enjoy the day with some spontaneous fun. Sometimes I find that calling a friend in number 4 automatically leads to number 5, but again, you need that kind of friend who can do both. Speak truth and make you laugh! 

I am sure there are many other ways to help my mind refocus on truth but these often work for me. On particularly difficult days I may need to use them all or a variation of several of them. The thing to remember is that we can choose whether or not we continue thinking negatively.

We also need to remember that if we are struggling to make the right choice to stop it's okay to seek help. It's okay to admit out loud "Today I am struggling and need help." The belief or feeling that we shouldn't need help is just silly and a lie from Satan. I know, I get stuck here often and am afraid to appear too needy. So I don’t ask for help. But we all need help and it really is okay to ask for it.

We need the help of Jesus and His Spirit and we need the help of our brothers and sisters in Christ. So don't stay trapped with your negative thoughts because you are afraid you will appear needy. Because, and you really need to hear this, we are all needy. We all have different areas of neediness but know that we are all weak, needy and in need of help.

So what do you find works best for you when you are in the midst of negative or wrong thinking? I would love to hear from you!

Linking up today with….

Breathe Deeply of His Grace

Too often I expect perfection from myself. I hate failure. When I do fail to meet my own expectations I am really good at beating myself up. My soul and spirit can become black and blue from the beating I receive at my own tongue lashing. Then, I spiral downward and just quit. I quit the project, ministry, writing, friendship et cetera  that isn’t turning out as I thought. This has been my pattern. Failure seems to equal more failure.

I am in one of those places now. I have allowed myself to get behind here on my blog. I am behind in my Bible study class, in fact I haven’t even made one class yet. I am behind on friend correspondence and emails. Plus several other projects that are left sitting, undone.

These things scream failure. They remind me that I am not enough. I can’t do it all. My spirit begins to soar downward.

“Breathe deeply from My grace.” Is the whisper I hear within my heart. “I see you. I hear you. Come to Me. Rest in Me. I am what you need.”

“Breathe in. Breathe out.”

And I remember. I remember His grace is sufficient when I am weak. It is His strength that will see me through today.

I have forgotten that He will give me what I need when I need it in order to do what He has called me to do. This is why today I am praying and asking God to show me if I am doing what He has called me to do or if I am trying to do more than He is asking. Today I drink deeply from His grace and His strength.

Grace that reminds me that it’s been a hard three weeks filled with my own ER visit, hospital stay, and sickness. It’s been filled with my mother-in-law’s unexpected death and planning a memorial service. It’s been filled with sleepless nights and studying for a mid-term test.

So, I take a deep breath as I face today, with the last three weeks behind me, and I ask God to help me prioritize the next few weeks as I finish this semester and prepare for the holidays coming up. I ask Him if there are those things that perhaps I need to let go of, for now, without condemnation.

I am reminded that even if it’s a good thing but it’s not in God’s plan or His timing for me right now then it’s wrong and I need to give it up. And, when we are following His lead and He is asking us to lay something aside it’s not a failure.

So today I am breathing deeply of His grace and extending that grace to myself…a place I have often found difficult to give. Tomorrow I will repeat myself and once again breathe deeply of His grace….

 

Join me for 31 Days of Seeking Grace

His Perfect Mirror

Are there times when you look in the mirror and don’t like what you see? I know I do. I often focus on those areas that I think need improvement. I need to lose weight. I don't like my hair. I don't like this or that...you get the idea...we've all been there.

But, what about your heart?

How many times have you "looked" into your heart and thought “I don't like what I see.” (I am guilty here too!) As we search our hearts we often tend to focus on the part of the journey we still must walk. We see how much growing up we need to do spiritually. We see the depths of the sin we are capable of doing. We know the thoughts we think. The struggles with temptation we face. We see the ugly part of our soul. That part that is selfish, impatient, unloving and unkind.  

But as a child of God, our Father sees us differently. He sees you and me through the finished work of the cross.

We need to remember that we look in a mirror that is flawed. Broken. We see ourselves through a mirror of shame. We see with eyes that have learned to filter the wrong way. We usually filter out the good and keep the negative when it comes to looking at ourselves. 

We need to begin to look at ourselves through the mirror of truth.Through His perfect mirror that sees us through Jesus.  So what is the Truth? Who does God see when He sees you and me, His daughters?

He sees His Beloved~ As He says also in Hosea, "I WILL CALL THOSE WHO WERE NOT MY PEOPLE, `MY PEOPLE,' AND HER WHO WAS NOT BELOVED, `BELOVED (Rom 9:25)

He sees the one whom He Chose~So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience (Col 3:12)

But you are A CHOSEN RACE, A royal PRIESTHOOD , A HOLY NATION, A PEOPLE FOR God's OWN POSSESSION, so that you may proclaim the excellency of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light; (1Pe 2:9)

He sees His bride~ "Let us rejoice and be glad and give the glory to Him, for the marriage of the Lamb has come and His bride has made herself ready (Re 19:7) .

He calls us holy ~but like the Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves also in all your behavior; because it is written, "YOU SHALL BE HOLY, FOR I AM HOLY." (1Pe 1:15,16)

There are so many references to who we are in Christ. When God looks at us He sees Christ! We are in the process of being transformed into His image. We need to see that we are becoming like Him.

God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this, love is perfected with us, so that we may have confidence in the day of judgment; because as He is, so also are we in this world (1 John 4:16,17)

God also says of His beloved children~

We are declared righteous

Adopted as Son's

Redeemed by The Blood of the Lamb

We are precious

We are called saints

Oh my precious sisters, we need to look in the mirror and see ourselves as God sees us. Yes, there is still work to be done, but He sees us with the eyes of eternity.He looks at us with eyes of love. He sees us through Jesus.

Father I pray for each of my sister’s today that they may be able to see themselves through the reflection of Your word today. Help them see an image that reflections who they truly are in Christ. I pray that we would be able to throw away our broken, flawed mirrors and walk confidently in who we are as daughters of the KING. Amen.

Linking up with these lovely ladies….

Weeds of Insecurity

My insecurities showed up big time this weekend. I began to look around and it seemed there are those who are doing really important things. They are doing big, grand things for God.

I overheard a conversation where these words were spoken, “it’s the beautiful people, the educated, those with power and status, that get to do the big things.” I know it was their own insecurities, and maybe hurt, that spoke those words but still they found their way deep into my heart and began to take root. They took root in the soil of my own insecurities that tell me quite often that I am not enough.

I allowed the roots a place to grow deep and take hold of my heart for most the day. I wondered why those who were highly educated seemed to always be recognized, and esteemed for what they were doing. Does God really prefer the one with degrees over the one without? Seeds of renewed doubt grew. I questioned my purpose, my value. What do I have to offer? What can I do? It felt like yet another door slammed into my face because I have no degree. Once again I am not enough. I lack value to be used by the church, by those in power.

In the midst of this root growing to the point of almost strangling me to death I felt the warmth of truth begin to flow through my spirit. I knew my thoughts were being plagued with lies. Discouraging lies that threaten to render me useless. And as those lies fought for control, fought to be heard, the truth battled harder. The truth would not give up until it silenced the lies.

What is the truth? I am beloved of God and He has a purpose for me. Psalm 139 reminds me that before the foundations of the world He knew me. In my mother’s womb He formed me. I have a purpose. I am enough in God’s eyes. I have value and I am very much loved.

The truth is, regardless of my status in society, or my education I am called by God to be a light to a very dark world. I am called to obey, to sacrifice, to give my life as an offering to Him. For some that might mean big and grand things. It might mean being worldly famous and traveling to a foreign land. For others it might mean wiping a tear of a child who lost her mother.

This is the truth God impressed upon me in the midst of my insecurities. Each of His children are doing big, important work. Whether you are a doctor helping cure a disease in Africa, a counselor healing the wounded, a woman cooking a meal for the sick or one that feeds a homeless person as you walk to work God sees all. He does not value one over the other. In fact what God values most is a heart that is fully His, a heart that is abandoned to His will, what ever that will might be.

Finally, I was reminded that it does not matter what men think. God does not care about your qualifications or lack of them. He is the One who will qualify those He calls...those willing to do whatever He wills. So I need to go in confidence and DO what He has called me to do and stop looking at what others are doing for Him. What He calls them to do is none of my concern. But at the same time don’t let anyone tell me that I can't do what He has called ME to.

I came across this poem this morning and it just seemed to be a fitting reminder that we are all famous to someone, in our own way, using the gifts and abilities God has given us.

 

BY NAOMI SHIHAB NYE
The river is famous to the fish.
The loud voice is famous to silence,
which knew it would inherit the earth
before anybody said so.
The cat sleeping on the fence is famous to the birds
watching him from the birdhouse.
The tear is famous, briefly, to the cheek.
The idea you carry close to your bosom
is famous to your bosom.
The boot is famous to the earth,
more famous than the dress shoe,
which is famous only to floors.
The bent photograph is famous to the one who carries it
and not at all famous to the one who is pictured.
I want to be famous to shuffling men
who smile while crossing streets,
sticky children in grocery lines,
famous as the one who smiled back.
I want to be famous in the way a pulley is famous,
or a buttonhole, not because it did anything spectacular,
but because it never forgot what it could do.

 

Joining….

Thoughts of an “Older” Woman

I’ve been reading 1 Timothy. I’ve always loved the relationship between Paul and Timothy. As a young woman, mother and wife I longed for a “Paul” in my life. A woman who would disciple me. One who would help me learn to be the woman God created me to be. Who would show me how to “fight the fight” and “finish the race” in grace and love.

As I look back over my life I can see those that God brought women along the journey to help me. Most were more peers than “older” women, but they were beyond me in their spiritual walk if not their season of life. They were friends who took my hand in theirs and guided me in the disciplines of faith. In so many ways they discipled and mentored me. They encouraged me toward a deeper walk with Christ. They helped me be a better mother and wife. I still value the lessons they spoke into my heart both by their words and the life they lived.

I remember during those times still longing for a spiritual mother. As I looked around the church I often wondered why the older women weren’t investing in the younger women. In my mind I imagined seasoned women who knew so much more about life than I did. They had finished the “race” of parenting and managed to stay married for 30+ years. I just knew their lives must ooze of wisdom, grace and love that could be shared. Yet more often than not that wisdom remained hidden away as if it was a secret not to be shared.

I often wondered how do you arrive in their season of life with such godly wisdom? They appeared to have such great faith. They had been through storms and suffering yet still clung to their God with a surety and passion I longed to have. I suppose I could have just asked them. I suppose I could have began the conversation. But they seemed so out of my reach, so spiritual. Oh how many times I wanted to ask questions and yet my fear of perceived “unattainable” spirituality kept me from approaching them.

I am now the age many of them were then. I have raised my children and been married 30+ years. My love for the Lord is stronger, deeper and more real today than it was then. But this is what I now know about those older, more mature saints. They didn’t see themselves as full of wisdom, grace or love as I saw them. No, most likely they felt a lot like me and wondered if they even had anything to offer the younger generation.

Recently I have had several different young women say to me how much they value the wisdom I have. They see my life and want to be the woman I am, they want to know God the way I know Him. I must admit I am always taken aback. I usually don’t know what to say. Inside I am thinking, “Are you kidding me? Do you know what a mess I am? Do you understand how much I still don’t know? Do you see my weakness and failures?”

What could I possibly offer anyone? I am so far from the woman I want to be. There is so much heart work yet to be done, so much of me, sin and selfishness etc.…how can I possibly disciple anyone? How can I even think of taking anyone by the hand and say along with Paul come, “follow me as I follow Christ”?

And then I stop and wonder. I wonder if those older women of yesterday felt the same way? Did they see their failures more often than their successes? Did they focus more on how far they still needed to go than how far they had come? I wonder if they allowed the enemy to feed them lies about what they had to offer? I wonder did they arrive at 50 with disappointment thinking they would be farther in their spiritual journey? Did they think maybe they’d have a few more things figured out? Did they think they would finally like how they looked? Did they think that somehow being older meant having your life figured out?

So I say to the spiritual mothers of today, let us throw off the lies of the enemies and embrace the calling God has given us. Let us rise up and embrace the younger women in our churches. Let us help empower them to fight the fight God has called them to, not because we have all the answers but because we’ve been there, we understand.

Let us rise up and disciple this younger generation of women not out of our  strengths and successes but our weaknesses and failures. Let them see our failures and how God used them. Let them see that we do continue to fail, we have not arrived and we still have so much more growing up to do. Let them see that in those failures and sorrows of life even though our faith may have faltered it was not completely shipwrecked. We have endured. We are enduring.

We are fighting the good fight, maybe not perfectly but we do keep going. We do have life lessons and stories to share. We do have wisdom that God has given us. Let us stop hiding all that God has taught us.

So to you who are older let me remind you of what Paul reminded Timothy. Until Jesus comes, or calls you home, give attention to reading the word, exhortation and teaching. Do not neglect, regardless of your age, the spiritual gift that God’s Spirit has given you. Use it for the benefit of those in the body. Persevere in teaching truth. Pay attention to your own teaching, and how you are living so that your evidence of growth will be seen. (see 1 Timothy 4:13-16)

“Fight the good fight of faith; take hold of the eternal life to which you were called…” (1 Tim 6:12) We are not to stop fighting, we are never told to give up and stop using our spiritual gifts. So let us, as older women, join the younger women and fight the good fight of faith together. And when they come to us let us be brave, open and vulnerable with them sharing both our joys and our sorrows. Don’t be afraid to let them see your strength and your insecurities. Show them your true selves, but most of all show them Jesus.

 

Join others as they share at

 

A Lament

My heart is heavy.

Grief rises up and threatens to overwhelm me.

I want to gather you in my arms

and whisper words of truth.

Words of healing.

Words of love.

You do not listen.

You have been deceived.

Deceived by the lies of the world.

The enemy.

You chase after your own desires.

You chase after emptiness.

You have bought into the lies.

The lies that say…

Do what feels good.

Do what is right in your own eyes.

It’s not your fault you were born that way.

So many voices, so many lies.

 

But you are not happy.

You cry yourself to sleep.

You drown out the pain with parties,

drinking and lovers.

You are chasing dreams

only to find that they elude you.

You find that your dreams do not bring you

the happiness you seek.

My heart breaks as I watch you struggle in your sin.

Making choices that will only bring more pain.

You choose to live in the wilderness of the world.

A world that offers no hope, no love.

Only sorrow, pain and death.

 

Oh my dear one can you not see?

Can you not understand that you walk in darkness?

Will you not heed my warning?

When will you grow weary of your sin?

How far into the darkness must you walk

before you see truth.

Oh child how I long for you to take my hand

and allow me to lead you to the ONE that offers peace.

He waits for you. He died for you.

He alone can fill your emptiness.

He stands willing to give you grace, love,

mercy, hope and so much more.

His love will fill you to overflowing

and you will have a joy this world can never know.

He offers you life. A life of joy.

A life of sweet amazing grace.

He offers forgiveness.

He offers Himself.

It’s all yours.

You only need to believe.

To have faith.

Reach out and take His hand

Take His gift.

His gift of grace.

The gift of eternal salvation.

The gift of truth.

 

Can you hear my heart breaking?

Oh how I long to take you to Jesus!

But you are blinded by the lies of this world.

I will not lose hope.

I will speak truth into your heart.

I will love you, pray for you

and maybe one day you will believe.

"Jerusalem, Jerusalem, who kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to her! How often I wanted to gather your children together, the way a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were unwilling . Matt 23:27

Note: This is was originally posted in 2011 but it continues to be the cry of my heart for those that are dear to my heart and yet do not know the saving grace of our Lord Jesus Christ. I will continue to pray, continue to speak truth, but most of all I can trust in my Father who longs to gather them unto Himself.