Through the years I have come to realize that the loss of what I never had will always be with me. There are those who would say I need to just “get over it” Or “Jesus is sufficient and is all you need.”
It is true. I do need to get beyond it and realize that Jesus can and does meet me in the loss. He is my healer. He is sufficient. He is all I need. He will nurture my soul. He loves me unconditionally and promises to never leave nor forsake me.
I KNOW this. I believe in the truth of it. (Lord, help my unbelief) But there are still days I struggle. My flesh rises up and shouts of the loss, the pain, the sorrow.
My enemy knows how and when to “attack” my mind. He also know of this longing.
So what can I do? What should I do in the face of these attacks? How do I handle those moments of intense longing to be loved, accepted, wanted, cherished and connected? MOTHERED?
To be honest I haven’t always handle the moments correctly. I have often allowed the enemy control of my mind. I run away with thoughts of hurt and pain. I allow the thoughts to take over and they never end well. Never.
Often the sadness grows deeper. My thoughts turn very dark and I begin believing old lies. Lies that say God is withholding good from me. That God gives spiritual mother’s and sisters and then takes them away. That I am not good enough or too needy. And I wonder “why pray any longer for this longing to be filled”. So I give up. And my heart says “fine, I don’t need anyone anyway!” “I only need Jesus!”
But there is anger, and hurt behind that cry. I know this. I see it. More importantly my Heavenly Father sees it and I know it grieves His heart.
Oh Father forgive me! Forgive me for longing for anything more than longing for You. Oh how I want the longings of my heart to be filled with You and You alone. You are the One, the only ONE who can satisfy the depths of my heart and soul.There is forgiveness. There is grace. Love. His love. And there are His blessings. Blessings that my enemy would have me forget.
Forgive me for giving up hope. For losing faith in your love, in Your desire to meet me right here where I am and speak to my heart. Forgive me for giving into my flesh, to the enemy, and sinning against You in my thoughts, my heart and my emotions.
So I am setting up a battle plan.
Several weeks ago while preaching on Nehemiah our pastor preached on the strategies of our enemy. Our enemy loves to gain control of our thoughts and use them against us. Nehemiah’s enemies were trying their best to put a stop to the work of God. Isn’t that what he wants to do in my life also? In your life? Our enemy wants to confuse us, stop us and to make us ineffective.
So Nehemiah PRAYED and then he SET A GUARD day and night.
As I have reflected on this and the spiritual wall that should be in place to keep the enemy out, God has brought something to mind.
God has reminded me of the many blessings He has given me. He reminded me of the women He has brought into my life. The women who have poured life into me.
Theses women are the “stones” of my wall. They surround me with love and blessings. They have been my mothers and sisters. God has used them to nurture my heart. My soul.
And so….I am going to begin a series called “These are the Women I Come From”. I am praying that God will call to mind all the women who have had a “significant” role in helping me toward spiritual maturity.
Why? To remind myself of how God has indeed answered the longing of my heart. And so that it might encourage other women and bring glory to my God.
I will build this wall of women as reminders for when the enemy tries to once again speak lies into my mind in regards to my longing. God has answered. He continues to answer.
My first remembrance of a women who poured life into me was my grandmother. I have already written about her here.
I am so excited about seeing who God might bring to mind. The “stones” of my wall that will be built to “set guard” when my enemy attacks in this area again!
I am praying that I can do this in order that the women came into my life…I am praying he will bring them all to remembrance.