Currently I do not like who I am, I am struggling with the me that I see. I see a woman who has behaved badly. Behaving unlike the woman she wants to be. As I look back on the moment I wonder why. Why couldn’t I have chosen my words more wisely? Why didn’t I just keep my thoughts to myself? How can someone who says she loves God and seeks after Him have such a bad attitude?
I sit here torn between anger, tears and a sense of utter aloneness. Some might just excuse this as a moment of weakness, or hormonal or not even give it a another thought. But you see, I don’t want to give an excuse for behaving badly. I am to have the mind and attitude of Christ, anything less is to fall short. (Phil 2:1-5)
I hate this constant battle of my flesh, it grieves my heart that I could behave in any way other than as my Lord would have me to behave. Yet, so often my flesh rises up and wants it’s own way. What really saddens me is I so often let my flesh do as it wishes.
I live, so often, as if I have no power over my flesh. Yet God’s word says that I (my flesh) has died and I have been raised anew in the Spirit. Romans 6:4 says We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. If this is indeed true, and we know it is for His word IS true, then why do I live as if my flesh has not yet died? If my old self was crucified with Christ and I am no longer a slave to sin why do I not live as if I am free from sin? Why do I let sin reign in my mortal body so that I obey its evil desires. (vs 12)
The truth is it’s a matter of obedience and submission. It’s choosing to be a slave to righteousness and willingly crucifying my flesh everyday, and when needed moment by moment.
The older I grow in Christ the more I understand Paul's struggle in Romans 7 when he says “I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing.” (18-19)
Oh how the enemy just loves it when I am in this place. As I read verses 22-23 I realized that while I really do delight in God’s law and desire to follow after him there is another law at work. The enemy wants to destroy me and the best way to do that is to wage a war against my mind. If my enemy can make me a prisoner of my mind and the lies that are so often trapped in there then he knows that I will also become a slave to those lies.
So I have a choice. I can go on believing the lies of my mind or I can believe the truth of the Spirit that lives in me. Thanks be to God that He does not give up on me and that that He continues to work in my Spirit to create in me the woman that He purposed me to be.
I am a child of God and have His Spirit living in me. Therefore I do not have to give into the desires and attitudes of the flesh....
Jesus I need your help for my flesh is weak and I so often live in a way, with an attitude that is unpleasing to you. I know that the power of the Spirit is alive in me and that you alone can give me victory. Jesus you know my heart is grieved over my un-Christ-like attitude. Forgive me, renew my mind and fill it with thoughts that are pleasing to you. Don't ever let me excuse my behavior or attitude, keep my heart tender and softened to see even the "slightest" sin that is unbecoming to one of Your children.