A few years ago I had a heart changing visit with my sister. I realized that there was a longing in my heart that would never be fulfilled. I love my sister and as sisters go we have a fairly close relationship. But on a spiritual level my sister and I are very far apart. Sadly, I realized that because of this there is a part of me that she will never understand. It’s not that I believe God can’t work miracles, but my sister seems so closed off to any real emotional attachment. God can work in her heart, in fact that is my prayer, but for now it’s something we just can’t share. I desire a relationship with her not only on an earthly level but a spiritual level too.
My heart aches for what is not and may never be. I have allowed that ache to lay bare and empty since that visit. Recently though I’ve been crying out to God asking Him to remove all but Him from my life, and my heart, making His desires my own. I have felt lost and yet know that God is here beside me helping me, showing me the way. It is necessary for me to let go of everything, every desire, every relationship, EVERYTHING. Until I can completely let go of everything that could take my attention from God I cannot see God in my life. My vision is blurred by what I think I’m missing, what I think I need to complete my life.
I’ve come to realize that every desire, every heart break, every betrayal, every lie told against me, every unkind word, every joyful moment, tender touch, loving relationship belongs to God. Each moment of my life has been a gift from my Father in Heaven. It is true some gifts are more welcomed than others but they all come from God just the same. Each gift is meant for me, to mold me, teach me and grow me into His beloved daughter.
As God takes me on this journey He is asking me to give Him everything. Honestly much of it is fairly easy to give Him. But when asked to give Him my relationships, I freeze. I want to hold on, what if He would ask me to give them up completely. Could I live without the longings in my heart being fulfilled? What if I never felt fully satisfied in my relationship with my husband or children? Can I let go of the control I THINK I have over my children? What if my family would always be more of a stranger than a friend? And my friends, what if I had to give them all up? Would God really ask me this? Could I just walk away as if I didn’t need them? Don't we did these relationships to fulfill us? ( a lie the enemy whispers)
There is a fear deep in my heart that has been hidden for so long. The fear that somehow at the end of my life I will be left completely alone. An even bigger fear is that it will be me who drives everyone in my life away and I’d be left with no one. I would be found unlovable by all that I thought loved me. I fear that the day will come when everyone finally wakes up and sees me for who I really am. A little girl frightened of the dark, desiring control, wanting my own way, and wanting everyone to love me.
This too needs to be brought to my Father. This adult daughter, of His, needs to lay down her little girl dreams and desires. I need to grow up and understand what it is that my Father is asking of me. I need to take my eyes off of my selfish desires, stop complaining about my life and see God for who He really is. God, who is my loving Father, my Provider, Healer, Lover, Redeemer and Lord. He is all I will ever want, need or desire. He is Sovereign over all, Creator and Ruler of all things – including me. In Him I will find my husband, brother, sister, Mother, Father, friend, my every desire met. In Him I will be filled, completely.
He is asking me to lay down every earthly relationship at His feet. Every thought, desire, longing, dream – everything, every part of me needs to be laid down. Can I give it all up, giving God complete control of my life? That’s a whole lot of trust. Can I really lay down everything and trust God to restore that which He alone desires in my life? Without complete surrendering God can never be in complete control over my life. By trying to hold on to some aspects of my life I’m saying to God that He isn’t big enough to handle it. I’m telling God that I can do better. Better than God? How presumptuous, to think myself greater than God. Complete surrender, it’s necessary in order to give God complete control. Complete Trust; it too is necessary so that God can create in me the likeness of his beloved Bride.
To have my life be filled completely by God is what I long for.
Oh God.... fill me up with all of you so that I might not "need" anything and can give all of you to those who you have place in my life. Remove all my selfish desires and longings. Fill me with your Spirit. Give me a hunger that is only satisfied in you.