A recent conversation has been turning over in my mind lately. The conversation went SOMETHING like this…
I was sharing with a young woman that recently I’ve really been struggling in my time with the Lord. It just seems like I am wandering without any real purpose. I spend time in the word out of obedience and a desire to know God deeper but it’s as if the passion is waning. I went on to explain that I’ve learned to fight through these times but for some reason this time it’s harder. I feel more alone…like I am fighting alone.
Her response? “Wow, that really surprises me. I thought you were strong spiritually and had it together. I thought you were passionate about the word, about God and your pursuit of Him.” She went on to say that this discouraged her because what hope did she have it I didn’t have it together!
I must admit for a moment I was speechless. It caught me a bit off guard. I then answered her saying “I must be doing something wrong if you think that I have my life together. I am not by any means falling apart, away or giving up. I’m just finding the battle at the moment hard. If anything I would hope me sharing that would encourage you. We all go through times like this but must allow it to draw us close to God. Seeking Him for answers and guidance.”
She said she understood, but since then I have wondered, “Do others think I have it together?” Do they believe that I am some “super” Christian with my life all figured out? Do I portray an attitude that I don’t suffer, doubt or struggle?
Trust me I don’t have all the answers.
I do struggle through pain and heartache. There are
moments days I behave in such a manner that does not show the woman I WANT to be. I fight insecurities and wrong thinking ALL THE TIME. My life is NOT perfect. In fact I very much identify (I could have written these words they almost perfectly describe me) with Jaci Velasquez lyrics in her song “The Real Me”
“I've got my bad days, and some are even worse
I can be a blessing and you know, I can be a curse
I tremble at rejection, I'm scared to be alone
Sometimes I may be selfish, but I always make it home
I know that I'm demanding and sometimes insecure
I think I've got the answers, but then I'm not so sure
I sometimes need attention a little more than I should
But there is a part of me that would give the whole world if I could”
I guess I would like to think that I am not any different than any other woman out there who is pursuing God. A woman who fails, yet reaches up for the hand of Jesus and keeps walking toward a life of holiness.
Can you accept me as I am knowing I am not the woman I want to be?
Can you love me knowing that I struggle just like you do? I have the same fears, weaknesses, insecurities and doubts about myself, about life? It doesn’t mean my life is falling apart it just means I am human.I don’t want my life to look as if I “have it all together” but I do want it to look like I am pursuing, longing and running after Jesus.