When I started this series I gave mention of her when I said, “ Before I begin this journey though I do need to honor my Mother. The one who gave me life. The woman who took care of me, fed me and made sure I was warm at night. She showed me that women can be strong. They can survive, even under difficult circumstances. She taught me to endure. These things I do not take for granted. I know she loves me. I love her. I thank her. I am forever grateful for the mother God gave me. If it weren't for her there would be pieces missing. Pieces that would have left holes in the tapestry of my life.”
I went on the explain that this series was about the women God brought into my life to teach me those things my mother didn’t or couldn’t. They are the women that helped mold me, lead me and to help me see Jesus.
On this blog I haven’t talked much about my mother, although you can find bits and pieces here, here and here. One reason I don’t talk about her much is that it’s been complicated and I wanted to honor her, to show her respect and love her. My words would have been harsh and filled with a lack of compassion. So I choose not to share openly about her. I choose to stay silent until I could speak with grace and forgiveness.
That day has come. I noticed my attitude change last August during a visit with her in Florida. She had come to stay with us for a couple days while we were on vacation. It was a good visit. When I drove her home and had to say goodbye my heart was overcome with great compassion for her. I hated that I had to leave her there, alone. As I drove back to our hotel tears came pouring down for my mother. Not tears of pain or regret but tears filled with love, grace and compassion. Tears that come from a heart that had finally forgiven.
I got off the phone with her yesterday and realized just how much I do love her. I love the woman she is and the woman she is becoming. I see God at work in her and I see her walking in freedom from the past. And I realized just how much a part of her is a part of me. Our journeys have been similar, our deep pain and fears shared.
Today I see a woman, a mother, that loves me with all her heart. I understand that at times I have been very unfair in my judgments of past events. A child’s eye sees life and interprets it through a mind that lacks understanding. A child only sees parts of the story. For this I ask her forgiveness. I have been hard, too hard, on my mother and for that I am deeply sorry.
The mother I see today is a mother who is filled with love, grace and beauty. She is filled with His Spirit. It’s beautiful. She is beautiful. I love her deeply and
This is the woman I come from, the mother that has given so much of her life for her children even during those moments when trying to live was hard.
Momma I love you!
Note: After sharing this with you I called my mother to read it to her. Through tears she let me know how much she needed this right at that moment. She said to me that I had nothing to be sorry for it was her that needed forgiveness. If we had been together we probably would have hugged and cried together…it was a healing moment for both of us. It was a God moment.