I do not remember much about her other than how she made me feel. She was my grandmother. My Father’s mother. Well actually his step-mother, for his mother died of cancer when he was a teen. Before I was born.
I remember her laugh. Her smile. I remember feelings of love, comfort and safety.
If I close my eyes I can still picture her kitchen. The smells. The love. The joy.
I remember begging her for coffee. She would say it will stunt your growth, but then give me a little in a tea cup to taste.
I have memories of sitting in church with her. She would always have LifeSavers to share. To keep me entertained she would roll up her handkerchief to look like a baby in a cradle and I would quietly sit and play by her side.
Oh how I loved her. How I loved them!
The home of my grandparents always meant laughter and a whole lot of love.
During times of my childhood when home wasn’t so safe I
always knew that in their home, in their love I was safe.
We moved several states away from them when I was 10.
I remember as I got older I wanted to go live with them. I wrote letters often. I missed them. When I was about 18 I remember declaring to my mother that I was going to live with my Grandmother! (My Grandfather had died several years earlier.)
But I did not go.
At 21 I got married. I continued wanting to go visit her. I’d write letters and send her pictures. Pictures of my husband and her great-grandson. I did miss her. I did want to visit.
But I did not go.
In 1985 she died. My son was almost 3. I took him along with me to my grandmother’s funeral. It was hard. I remember the grief and sorrow I felt.
I remember the regrets of not seeing her for so long. I know she is with Jesus. I know she is with both my earthly and heavenly Father.
I will see her again one day.
But today, this very moment, I miss her. A LOT. I wish she was here with me to talk and she could put her arms around me and tell me everything will be alright. I wish I could hear her laugh again. See her smile.
Losing someone you love dearly hurts. The pain of grief and sorrow does fade but there are still moments when the loss comes upon you and you feel the pain again.
And I remember that the love, comfort, acceptance, security that she poured into me is still here. Here, inside my heart.
Today is one of those days when my heart aches for the missing of her. So I will embrace it. I will feel it. Then I move on knowing it’s okay.
I know that my God in heaven sees my tears and understands. He sees the sorrow of my heart and comforts me. I know He wraps His arms around me and says', “Everything will be alright.”
I still have all the letters she wrote. Letters of love. I haven’t read them for many, many years…maybe I’ll pull them out and read them….