To Die

I wish I could share what was truly on my heart. My fear is that many wouldn’t understand, that they would judge me. And yet at the same time I do feel compelled to share my heart – my soul.

Why? Because this is what I know- if I have thought it or felt it then I can be sure others have to.

Right now at this very moment I am struggling. I am struggling with my flesh. I want to kill it – I want it destroyed. This flesh of mine so often rises up and screams for life – it wants to LIVE. My flesh wants the world to be all about me. It wants to be loved, cared for and made to feel important – it wants – dare I say it – to be ruler over my life – to be a god.

I hate it! I really hate it! If I could rip my flesh away from me I would…I want it to die! I know this is not pleasing to God. I know it does not bring God any glory or honor. God wants to be first in my life. He wants my humble spirit.

I am powerless to do anything for there is nothing good in me – apart from Christ that is. Christ working in me is the only hope I have.

Oh how I want to be like Christ! To empty myself. To have the attitude of a bond servant. To be truly humble. To be obedient.

My soul longs for it. Searches for it. I want to crucify my flesh so that I might live in the spirit of Christ.

Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.

Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus,who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped,but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men.Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Phil 2:1-8

Jesus forgive me for my often selfish attitude. Forgive me for wanting so often to make everything about me, when it is to be about you. Forgive me for not putting others above myself. Forgive me Jesus for selfishness.

Jesus I beg you to empty me of my pride, selfishness and idolatry. Then fill me up with You and You alone. I want my life to bring glory to your name. I want my life to be all about you, not me.


  1. Judge you? No, but I sure can completely relate to you. I feel your passion to be like Christ. The more I strive to be Christ-controlled the more warfare I battle with. Sigh...something else to keep us at the feet of Jesus until we're called home.

  2. I'm with you girl!!! Sometimes I just hate my"self" but He still has much to teach us through this flesh- it must be or He would have brought us home and let us shed it by now :)

    Much love,

  3. I cannot believe that I come here this day, after such a LONG absence only to read my thoughts so poetically put down into words. You are not alone. I too share this burden. Thank-you for being so open and so honest.


Leave me some joy...