I stood in worship today and from the first note of Blessed be the Name to the last Amen of our Pastor’s prayer, I cried. There were moments that I did wonder what people must think to see me cry so, for I usually have such control of my emotions. But this was between God and I, He was speaking into my heart a message I needed to hear but did not want to.
You see I haven’t been really honest with most of those around me lately, including myself. I do not like where God has me at the moment. Please hear my heart on this; I know I am where He wants me, I just don’t like it. I don’t understand it and I’ve been fighting Him and even whining about it.
Five years ago God called me into Women’s Ministry and I went. I had no idea what I was doing, but God did. God taught me so much about myself and about Him. I learned that through Him I can do that which He calls me to do. I learned that I can lead when I learn to follow Him. I had never thought I was a leader, I never looked to be a leader but God showed me that in and through Him I could.
Now He has called me into something else. And since November I have been excited about it, well, until recently. You see God did not call me into another leadership position. He has called me to support those who are leading. I am learning that going from leading to supporting is harder than I thought. Actually I didn’t even think about it. I know I am here because it is God’s will. I am here because God has called me, but it wasn’t until today that I realized truly why I have been struggling with it all.
During the sermon God used my Pastor to show me the truth of my heart. A mirror was held up as I saw that my real struggle has been that I am no longer in a leadership role. God wants to teach me how to play second chair. In an orchestra one of the hardest “instruments” to play is the second chair. Everyone wants to play first chair, but without someone playing second there is no harmony.
I’ve been reading a book called Jesus on Leadership and one of the things I’ve learned is that you can’t learn to lead well until you learn to serve well. I remember reading that thinking, I can follow and I can lead, it doesn’t really matter. But that is not really what was being said is it? I need to learn to serve.
Jesus led by serving. Leading by serving is about dying to ME. Dying to what I want, what I desire and doing what Jesus calls me to.
I learned to lead by following Jesus, I can learn to serve by following Jesus.
Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. Matthew 16:24 NAS
Jesus forgive me for thinking more highly of myself than I ought. Forgive me for my pride and selfishness. Forgive me Father for my sin of the heart is against you and you alone. Help me to walk in a manner worthy of your calling, no matter what that calling might be.