I don't think I realized how much of the heart a mother gives a way to her children. When they were small I didn't understand the pain it would cause as they leave. It's not just the pain of growing up and leaving a mother's side, if it were just that it might not be so difficult. But those dreams you had, the picture of that little boy smiling at you becoming a man doesn't look the same now. The dreams you had were just that - dreams.
A mother letting go of her children has to be the most difficult thing in life - is anything harder? I thought that through the years I was just slowly letting go until the day would come and I'd just let go. Maybe I was just lying to myself, because this pain seems at times unbearable.
Maybe all those times I was praying for my sons I should have been praying for me. Praying that I could let go when the time came. That I would be able to accept whoever or whatever he became as he grew up. I should have been praying that I would trust God with their lives as He walked them through the fiery trials and removed the dross from their lives.
I recently read a quote -True friendship is seen through the heart not through the eyes. As I read it I thought of my youngest- is not true love also seen through the heart and not the eyes? With each outward change I see in him my heart grows a little more worried. I keep telling myself that it's his heart that matters not the outward changes, but I seem to fail at each new challenge. I am trying, really I am!
I know He loves the Lord and I know He desires to be obedient to God. I also know that he is trying to figure out his life. He is trying to figure what kind of man he is going to be. I'd like to keep him from wrong choices, from making mistakes. But he's a man now and he needs to learn to listen to the voice of God.
I guess it's never been my dream for him that was important. It's God dream for him that is everything, and while it may take time, he will figure it out because I know that he is a child of God. So when he comes to me for advice or just to talk I need to be ready. I need to speak truth, I need to continue to point him to His heavenly Father.
God help me to let go of him and place him in your very capable hands.